Deal or No Deal?

By Jodi Weaver in memory of all her babies in Heaven

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,� made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on ever side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9 (NIV)

There is a popular new game show on television that I am sure all of you have heard of called “Deal or No Deal�. We love to watch this show. Of course, we also love to sit there at home and tell the contestant what they should or should not do. We will be yelling, “No Deal….tell them no deal!� or “You are crazy…take the deal!� We have never been on the show, yet we think that we know what they should or should not do. How they should feel. Tom received an interactive DVD Deal or No Deal game for Christmas and we love playing it. It is easy to sit there at the house and “go all the way� when there is no real money involved….I even won $500,000 the other night….WOW.

I am sure you are thinking, what does that have to do with us? I was thinking about playing this game the other night and I realized that humans are the same with everything they do. Just like with the game, people love to tell you what you should do or what you should feel, when they have never experienced anything like what you are experiencing.  I have heard couples in the group say many times that someone has told them that they “should move on� or “should just get over it�. My question to them is, “have you ever lost a child?� Of course they haven’t or they wouldn’t be saying it.  It is easy to stand on the sidelines of grief and think you know what should be done. It is totally different when you are actually immersed in it. I have had friends that “thought� they went through the grief of losing the twins with me. They felt sad for me and for themselves, but they didn’t really grieve. Recently, I had a friend call me to tell me that her sister-in-law had just lost a full-term baby girl. She finally understood how it felt to actually lose a baby in her family and it was totally different than what she had experienced with me. I can’t tell you how many times I have experienced this in the 23 years since my first loss.

I would never wish the grief of losing a baby on anyone, but I wish that everyone could walk in my shoes for just one day. I wish that I could make them understand what it is like so they won’t be as apt to hurt with their words or actions.  Unfortunately, we cannot let people walk in our shoes, and we cannot control the words that they will speak or the hurt they will inflict.  What we can do is try to educate them with our actions and our words. We can invite them to attend group meetings with us or give them helpful information to read that might help them understand a little better, but until they actually experience the loss for themselves, they will never feel what we feel.

The other thing that I thought of after playing the game was the fact that God has given us a path to travel. He has given us the experience of losing a child to enable us to grow in Him and to use us to minister to others. The question He is asking us is “Deal or No Deal?� Will you tell Him “Deal�? Will you accept the challenge He has given you? Will you allow Him to grow you in an amazing new way? Will you allow Him to use you and the life of your precious baby to minister to others that will cross your path in the future? OR will you tell Him “No Deal� and allow the grief to fester and destroy everything in your life? Will you blame God for taking your baby or will you praise Him in spite of your pain? Will you try to make it on your own, telling God that you will go all the way without His help? Will you continue to strive for the pot at the end of the rainbow….never realizing that He is the treasure you have been seeking?

I hope and pray that all of us will tell Him “Deal� and allow Him to use us and the life of our precious babies in a great and mighty way. We may not see the evidence of this for years (if at all), but rest assured He will use them to bring Glory and Honor to Himself! As the New Year begins, make it your “New Years Resolution� to allow God to be Master and Savior in your life and to choose to say “I will take the deal Lord. I may not like it, but I will take it.�  

 

Will Your House Stand?

By Jodi Weaver in memory of all her babies in Heaven

Recently I was reading a book to JoAnna, which was based on the parable of the builders. As I was reading it to her, I thought about what Jesus was trying to teach through this parable.

“Therefore everyone who hears theses words of mine and puts them into practice is like the wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like the foolish man who built his house on sand. The rains came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash.� Matthew 7:24-26 (NIV)

The house that is being built at first glance seems pretty obvious. Some take it literally and believe He is talking about an actual house, but for most of us we understand that it stands for our life. After a recent Glory Babies meeting, I began to think about this again and I understood more fully that He wasn’t just meaning our life in a visual way. He was meaning our FAITH. What is on the inside of us, what we believe and what we lean on in times of trouble. So often we go through life thinking that we have a strong foundation of faith and then the “rains fall and the floods come� and we see exactly what our faith is made of.

If our “house� is built on sand it could mean that we have never known Jesus as our Savior. Maybe we have gone to church all our lives and have the belief that just because our parents are Christians, that it makes us a Christian too. We have never had an intimate relationship with Him and we do not understand what He can do for us. The comfort we could receive from the Holy Spirit within us, is absent and we feel all alone and totally abandoned. Or, it could mean that we know we are Christians, we have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior and know that we will spend eternity in Heaven. But we don’t spend any  time with Him in prayer or Bible study. We go through our days taking our salvation for granted. When trials come our way, we don’t know what to do and our foundation crumbles around our feet. We don’t know how to hear the Holy Spirit’s voice and therefore we can’t lean on Him for comfort. We become angry at God and at the world. Some turn away from God completely and their bitterness infects all parts of their life. We seek answers in places that are no help for us. Some turn to alcohol or drugs in hopes that it will ease their pain. Only to find that the pain is still there and the “solution� only numbed it for a while. Our foundation continues to crumble and fall, until it is a pile of rubble around our feet.

If our “house� is built on the rock, then it is built on prayer, Bible study and true worship. It is built on the solid Rock of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. When the storms and trials come into our life, we turn to Him as our anchor to help us hold fast during the storm. The winds blow and beat against our foundation of faith and because it is built on Jesus, it stands firm and does not crumble. Because of our salvation, we have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, and because of our intimate relationship with Jesus, through our prayers and Bible study, we know how to listen to the Spirit’s voice as it comforts us. We know that we can lean on Him and He will ease the pain within us. The pain will not be eliminated (just as it can’t with drugs or alcohol), but it will be lessened and made bearable for longer and longer periods of time. We understand that the only true healing comes through Him.

Of course, for us the storm of life that we are experiencing is the loss of our precious babies. I can remember so vividly the comfort that I received from God in the midst of my loss. I had a co-worker tell me, “Mrs. Jodi, you are the strongest woman I have ever met.� And my response to him was, “No, I am not strong. I am very weak, but my God is strong and through Him I can be strong.� I could not have had that strength if my “house� was not built on the Rock of Jesus. What is your “house� built on? Do you have a foundation that is built on the Rock? Or is your foundation on sand? Will your faith stand the test that God has put before you? Will you take the challenge He has given you and allow the death of your baby to be used by Him? Or will you let your foundation crumble and fall at your feet? I pray that you will look to Jesus and if your foundation is weak….shore it up with His word, with prayer and truly worship Him as your Lord and Savior.

Written by Pam Davis in Memory of Zack Davis for his 22nd Birthday.

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.� (James 9)

During my recovery I received a card of encouragement from a student nurse that I had worked with in the ER. Getting my address could not have been an easy thing because I don’t live in the town I work in. In it she wrote a note thanking me for setting an example for her and said she hoped she could give to her patients the compassion and care that I had given mine that week. This both saddened me and filled me with awe. It saddened me because as hard as I tried I could not remember who this young lady was. I was also filled with awe to think that I could touch the life so profoundly of someone I could not even remember. I began thinking of all the things I do and say and the ways in which they affect people I don’t even realize. A few weeks later I was reading a fictional book that was in part based around a sermon that touched on this very thing.

The sermon, This Momentous Day, was based on the life of the little known apostle Bartholomew, also known as Nathanael. Bartholomew, the sixth apostle and an optimist, is mentioned in the bible only four times. When introduced Jesus said to him “I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you.� Bartholomew immediately declared “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are King of Israel.� (John 48-49). It is not known what was happening under the fig tree, but it is believed to be something very significant to Bartholomew. Bartholomew witnessed the ascension of Jesus, was the only apostle to express his belief in Jesus as the son of God on the very first encounter he had with him, and he is the only apostle that Jesus greeted warmly upon first meeting him. He is believed to have taken the gospel to India and Armenia bringing King Poplymius and 12 other cities to Christ leading generations throughout time to know God.

The gist of This Momentous Day is that not one day in anyone’s life is an uneventful day, no day without profound meaning, no matter how dull and uneventful it may seem, regardless of who you are. Every day of your life there are opportunities to do little acts of kindness for others both consciously and unconsciously. Every small act –words of hope, remembrance of special days, compliments, smiles – resonates across great distances and spans time, affecting lives unknown to the one who so generously committed the act. Because the act of kindness is continually passed on, it gradually grows each time it is passed over the miles and through the years. The same can also be said of each thoughtless word we utter, each small act of meanness, every bitter or envious thing we do no matter how petty, can affect others planting a seed of evil, poisoning people whom you have never met and never will. All human lives, those dead and living and those to come, are intertwined. After each failure, from the disappointment and pain, we must strive to build something better. Every second in every life holds within it often unrecognized potential to affect the world in momentous ways.

This fall, 22 years after Zackery’s death, his life will touch untold lives for generations to come as we begin a new Glory Babies group here in Boerne. As I think back over the years I can only imagine how many lives we have touched by sharing the story of his life and our grief walk. The day of his birth, each of his 11 days here on Earth, the day of his death, and each day we share our story, though we didn’t realize it at the time, were and are truly Momentous Days.

What Do We Do With The Pain?
By Jennifer Carson

Grief can sometimes be like walking through a thick forest where you never know when the next tree branch is going to slap you in the face and knock you off your feet. For many of us, it is like being blind in unknown territory. We just have to feel our way along. There are no rules or guidelines, just a tremendous amount of pain. So what do we do with that pain? How do we manage it? Do we push through it or do we run from it?

Thankfully, we have a faithful and loving Father whose desire is not to harm us, but to give us a future and a hope. In Isaiah 42:16, He promises to lead the blind in ways they do not know, to guide them in paths they do not know; turning darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains. Isn’t that where we are; in the darkness and in rugged places? Don’t we long to be back in the light with a smooth surface under our feet? As His children, we can claim that promise and trust that He is going to walk with us and uphold us with His righteous right hand.

As I’ve struggled with the purpose of the pain in my life, He has finally given me an answer that satisfies me. Hosea 6:1 says “Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will restore us; that we may live in His presence�. This says to me is that He has a purpose. He longs for us to know Him intimately and to rest in His presence. Unfortunately, we often only get there through the pain in our lives. But He promises to revive us (from the valley of the shadow of death) and restore us (to the joy of His salvation). I believe the reviving comes through the grieving process and the restoration comes from allowing Him to use our pain to comfort others who are hurting.

However, before He can revive or restore us, we have to be WILLING to surrender our pain and not allow it to become an idol in our lives (where it is all we are focused on). In
II Corinthians 5:17-19, Paul says if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come. Exchanging the old for new is possible only because we have been reconciled to God through Christ. He suffered on the Cross for us. The pain that we are feeling can be taken and laid at His feet and exchanged for His love, power and peace. As we leave it there, our holes are then able to be filled with God’s unfailing love and peace and we are reconciled to Him. I love the song that says, “I’m trading my sorrows, I’m trading my pain; I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord�. Isn’t that what we all want? To be rid of the pain and to have it replaced with joy? So how do we let it go? Try a simple prayer something like this…

Lord, I surrender my pain to You. I release it toYou for Your glory. Please take it from me. Fill the holes that are within me with Your unfailing love and peace. I pray that You would use it in some way to make a difference in this world. Thank you that Jesus has already suffered this loss for me. Thank you that I can release this pain to You, once and for all. Thank you that it can be replaced with your everlasting love.

The bottom line is God knows your heart. If you truly are at a point of surrender, He will take the pain from you and begin to heal your broken heart. Be prepared, He may at some point want to use it. My greatest admonition to you is to not be afraid, but allow Him that privilege. From my own experience, allowing Him to use my pain is what has brought the greatest amount of healing in my life. Jesus’ response to the man who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years was to “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk�. Perhaps we should do the same. Pick up our pain and begin taking steps to walk forward with it, for His glory and our own personal healing.

Was It My fault?
By Jennifer Carson

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is God punishing me for something in my past? Did He take my baby away because…?� It may be a relationship that went sour, perhaps a sin we feel is unforgivable like adultery or perhaps an abortion in your past. There are many situations we may believe have not been completely forgiven, so when something tragic happens… we ask ourselves “Is God punishing me?� After all, isn’t He a just God Who punishes and holds us accountable for our sins?
He is. But He is also a merciful and forgiving Father. Scripture consistently teaches that when we turn back to Him, He forgives us and remembers our sins no more. In Isaiah 43:25, God says “I am He who blots out your transgressions, for My own sake, and remembers your sins no more�. Once we have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, through the blood shed on the cross we are forgiven for our sins. God remembers them no more. Jesus received our punishment. The debt we owed for our sins has been paid in full. Hebrews 10:11-18 says, “Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when this Priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, He sat down at the right hand of God. Since that time He waits for His enemies to be made His footstool, because by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First He says, ‘This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I’ll write them on their minds’. Then He adds, ‘Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more’�. No further sacrifice is required for our sins because of what happened on the cross. God will never judge us again for the sins He has already forgiven.
Discipline or chastisement is another issue. God will discipline His children because He loves us. However, any discipline we receive is always to teach us and protect us in our present and future, never to condemn our past.
There is a story in the book of John where the disciples see a blind man from birth. They ask Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?� Couldn’t we ask the same question, “Rabbi, who sinned, this baby’s parents, that he was taken away from them?� Jesus’ response was “Neither this man or his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.� Perhaps His response to us would also be, “Neither of this baby’s parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in their lives�. God doesn’t make mistakes. He is a merciful god who deeply loves His children. Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part to grasp. If we truly believe He loves us as much as He says He does and that we are worthy of all He has for us, then we don’t fall into the trap of doubting and questioning His motives. He has a purpose for our lives and our babies’ lives. When we can receive His love and believe with all our heart that He wants the best for us, we can rest in knowing He is in control and trust that He has a plan bigger and better than we can even imagine. His greatest desire is that He would be displayed in our lives. As we draw close to Him, through our pain and suffering, His love begins to heal us for His glory.
Grieving the loss of a child is hard enough without adding the guilt of blaming yourself. God isn’t punishing you for your past. He loves you and sees your future. He knows what’s best for you in the present, even though it may be painful. He promises to never you nor forsake you. If you will take His hand and walk with Him, He is faithful and will show you the way. He will uphold you with His righteous right hand.

Unspeakable Joy?
By Jodi Weaver

When I said, “my foot is slipping,� Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety
was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. (Psalm 94:18-19)

Something happened to me the other day that has really made me stop and examine myself and how I live my life. I met a lady named Jennifer at my friend Peggy’s house one Saturday afternoon. We were together for a couple of hours, and I will admit that I was no different with her than I am with any other person I meet. My sister, Gwen, was there and we spoke of her cancer and of God’s healing of my Mom’s cancer 19 years ago. We spoke of the miracle gift of my daughter, JoAnna, and I touched briefly on the fact that she has five brothers/sisters in heaven. We spoke of my desperate prayer to become a stay at home mom. I felt that I had met a “new friend�, but again I was simply myself.

A couple of days later, I had a message from her on my voice mail that rocked my world and started me to really looking at myself. She said that after I had left Peggy’s house that day, she asked her more about me. Peggy told her part of my story about the losses and about how God had answered my prayers through JoAnna. But the words that really caught me off guard were “You are so full of joy and peace, no one would ever know that tragedy has ever touched your life.�

WOW! Talk about mixed emotions! I wasn’t sure whether that was truly a complement or not. I couldn’t help but ask myself if I was somehow being untrue to the memory of my precious babies that are in heaven by being “joyful�. Should I go around in a manner that everyone would know that tragedy had touched my life, so that they would ask me about it and therefore I could share my experiences with more people? Should I be wear a “sad countenance�? How was I to know what was the right way? Then I asked myself, “would my precious babies really expect me to go around all gloomy?� and “What does the Lord say about this?� So I looked at grieving in the Bible. There are many different places that God tells His people to “put on sackcloth and wail� or to “mourn�. It even tells that “Jesus wept�, but He never tells them that they are to stay in that state. In fact in Psalm 30 it says, “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning� and “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.� So by that I know that God doesn’t want me to go around in constant sackcloth and with a sad countenance, so the only question left was would my babies want me to? The more I thought about it the more convinced I was that they would want me to let God shine through with joy more than they would want my “gloominess� to bring attention to them.

So that took care of the “joy�, but what about the “peace�? In the past I have had people ask me how I can be so peaceful in the midst of tragedy. Again, I looked to God’s word for answers. In Galatians 5, it speaks of the fruits of the spirit and peace is one of them. In Colossians 3, it says “Let the peace of Jesus Christ rule in your hears, since as members of one body you were called to peace, and to be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.� This tells me that God expects, in fact, calls us to be filled with peace. And that we are to sing His praises to the world and be thankful. I have tried over the years to look not at the tragedy itself, as I am in the midst of it, but at what God may be trying to accomplish through this tragedy in my life. This scripture tells me that the reason I am able to do this is because God calls me to do it. And when He calls us to do something, He will always provide the strength and means for you to do it. This is reinforced in Romans 15; it says “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit�. So if I trust in Him, whom I do wholeheartedly, then the Holy Spirit will fill me with joy and peace.

So what does all this mean? It means that even though we have all gone through a terrible, heart-rending grief, we are not to allow it to cause us to become a person of constant “gloominess� and to forever wear “sackcloth�. Yes there is a time to do both of these and it is expected and also encouraged by God. But you must also remember that God is the creator of joy and peace and He alone can give these back to you. I feel that I am more of a witness for God and His wonderful gift of salvation by showing the world how He can bring joy and peace, even with a lot of tragedy in my life, than I would be if I went around constantly “grief-stricken�. So when I look back on the message that I received from this new friend in my life, I now can say that she paid me the ultimate compliment. Because she affirmed in me the fact that I allow God to shine through me in such a way that people see Him first and foremost in my life. And because of this, I can use my precious babies to show them what God can and will do if you will only let him! So, may the Peace of God fill you completely and help to bring back your joy!

The Rose
By Jodi Weaver

Lately I have been looking at grief in several different ways. One way is to compare my grief to a rose. You may think that I am crazy, but stay with me. When you first look at a rose you simply think that it is a beautiful flower. You notice the color and how big it is. As you get closer to the rose, you notice other things, like the fact that it is actually made up of many layers of petals that make up the whole and if you took the time you could peel them away one at time. The only problem is that the closer to the center you get the tighter they are and the harder to peel them away. And then there is the fact that some roses have tints of other colors added to the main color that is only noticed if you get really close to it. There is also the fact that if you reach out and grab hold of the stem of the rose, you will soon find that there is a surprise in store in the form of thorns.

I am sure you are asking yourself “so how does this compare to grief?� So here goes. Grief seems to be so simple when you are on the outside looking in. When someone you know is going through it, all you notice is the whole thing and think “that’s too bad�.

Then when you are directly involved in the grief you discover there are so many different facets of grief. It is like the many layers of petals, as you peel away one “layer� another one is laying under it and it seems that they just get tighter and that you will never get through all of them.

On the surface, grief just seems to be one big mass of pain or color if you prefer. Then as you get deeper into the grief you discover these faint tints of other “colors� that you didn’t realize were there. It is these hidden tints that will throw you off guard, causing you to have to start from the beginning again.

And of course, lets not forget the thorns. How many times do we think we are finally getting beyond some of the pain and start reaching out to others again, only to accidentally grab hold of a thorn? We didn’t realize that there was anything that could hurt us again. We thought we were numb or that we were “healed�. But someone says something without thinking, or you see something that brings back a memory and WHAM that thorn goes deep into your thumb. So you go back into your grief room to “suck on the sore spot� or to try to heal again. After several of these tries, we finally learn to be on the lookout for the thorns before we reach out to grab the rose, because no matter how many times we get stuck, the beauty of the rose is worth it.

Next time you see a rose, remember that just as it is beautiful, the grief will fade and even though you will never forget the pain, life can be beautiful again.

The Refiner’s Fire

“For He is like a refiner’s fire and like a launderer’s soap. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi and purge them as gold and silver that they may offer to the Lord an offering in righteousness.�

I have jokingly said for many years that God was just “refining� me with all the trials in my life. Then a couple of months ago, I received an email that changed my whole perspective on how I viewed being “refined�. You see I never truly understood the meaning of being refined. This story has been passed around many times, and I am sure that all of you have seen it, but I wanted to share my feelings about it.

There was a group of women in a Bible study that were studying the book of Malachi. As they started on chapter three, they came across verse three, which says: “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.� This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week she called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith; he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot—then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered “yes�, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is ready?�
He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy. When I see my image in it.�

As you can see, refining silver is a very personal thing. The silversmith can’t just put the silver in the fire and then walk away, he has to not only hold the silver with the tongs the whole time it is in the fire, but he has to keep his eyes on the silver at all times. Then I started to think about the fire itself. I am sure that the silversmith gets very hot sitting there holding on to those tongs and watching the silver. I have felt like I was in the middle of the “refiner’s fire� many times during my battles with infertility and during the loss of my 5 children, but never once did I truly understand that while I was in the midst of the fire, God was not only holding me but never took his eyes off of me. That is a very comforting thought. That He was making sure that I was not “destroyed� simply that I was refined to perfection. So if you are feeling like you are in the midst of the fire just remember that not only is God holding on to you tightly, but He never takes His eyes off of you and when He has finished with the refining process, you will be a perfect reflection of His likeness.

This email has been passed around so many times that I could not find out who the original writer it was. So I have to say that the author is unknown.

Sleep When the Wind Blows
By Jodi Weaver

And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
Mark 4: 37-39

I received an email the other day that as usual got me to thinking along the lines of Glory Babies, rather than what the author probably intended in the first place. I don’t know who the originator of the “essay� was, but I thought that it really held a lot of meaning for us.

Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer.
“Are you a good farmhand?� the farmer asked him.
“Well, I can sleep when the wind blows,� answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man’s work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand’s sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, “Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!�
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, “No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows.�
Enraged by the response the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away.
The farmer then understood what his hired man meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
Moral: When you are prepared spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the winds blow through your life?
The hired man in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don’t need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.

This email caused me to remember another story, the author for this one is well known....it was God himself. It is the story of the disciples in the boat with Jesus. Jesus is sleeping peacefully while a storm was raging all around them. The disciples were afraid. They did not comprehend that the one that made the wind was in their very midst. All they could see was the huge waves around them and feel the power of the wind as it blew. Imagine their amazement when they woke Jesus and he told the wind to be still.
Sometimes we are like those disciples. The storms come, the wind blows and we become scared. We feel as if we are on the sea in the midst of it with a broken rudder and no oars to row us back to shore and to safety. After all we are only human. We are faced with what is directly in front of us. We forget, that like the disciples, we too have the creator of those “winds� standing right beside us and He can still tell them to “be still� today. He is our oars and our rudder. He holds us close and knows every hair on our heads...he definitely knows when the wind will blow our direction. He won’t send a storm into our lives without being there to get us safely through it.

I wrote this article several months ago and as I look back at it today, I realize just how God prepares us ahead of time for the trials in our life if we let Him. In light of the disaster left behind by Katrina, I realize even more how important it is for us to be prepared when the storms come into our lives. Katrina, like the storm mentioned in the story above, was a physical and devastating storm. A storm that has caused much grief, but just as Jesus knew that the storm was going to happen before He entered the boat with the disciples, He knew that Katrina would be hitting the Gulf Shore and what the outcome of that would be. But grief is a storm that can be just as devastating to each of us and we need to be prepared for the storms of grief that God may send our way. Is it easy to weather the storms of grief? No, but with the help of the Maker of the storm we can make it through what ever comes our way.

I pray that each of you can sleep when the wind blows.

The Shape of Things to Come

William E. (Bo) Hulsey

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.�
Romans 8:18 (NIV)

As men shape wood…

Do you remember the most beautiful piece of woodwork you’ve ever seen? It’s probably something that caught your eye and you just had to stop and admire its graceful curves and elegant finish. Chances are it was a handmade, custom piece. It probably took hours of careful cutting, trimming, and sanding to form it from the raw wood to create a beautiful centerpiece that commanded attention.
Because I am a musician, I appreciate a finely crafted guitar. Handmade guitars are especially desirable because of the care put into their construction. Luthiers (guitar builders) spend hours shaping the bodies and necks of their creations. The result of their work is a beautiful sounding master piece that will last a lifetime.
All guitars start out the same—as a board. After harvesting, they are sent to be aged. They are placed in a drying rack and stay there for many years. They will not be sent to the shop until the proper level of humidity is reached. This gives them stability. It takes up to one year per inch of thickness for a board to dry properly; a slow process indeed. After drying they are sent to the shop where they are sawed, routed, drilled, and sanded. If wood could feel pain the shaping process would be agonizing. The last step is to polish and assemble the instrument before shipping it. The result is a lasting masterpiece the owner will cherish.

…so God shapes men.

God is shaping His people. Each of us was created with a purpose that God has chosen for us from the beginning. Most people are very glad to hear that God has a purpose for them. What we hate is the process of finding that purpose. Many times pain is part of the process. Like a piece of fine mahogany or maple, we must undergo the shaping process for God to achieve the end result.
The shaping process is painful. God has His own “tools� that cut, rip, and drill into our lives to achieve the final product. Don’t get me wrong, He is not in Heaven thinking about how to hurt us. He has already seen what evil will befall us and He is prepared to help us grow through the tragedies of life.
Consider Job and David. These are two great men of the Bible. They have something in common with you and me—they each lost children. Job lost all of his children in one day (Job 1:18-19) and David’s son died seven days after his birth (2 Samuel 12:14-18). They each dealt with their losses differently, but one thing was constant—they remained faithful to God. It was their losses that would help them to grow as men of God.
The loss of our children will shape us too. For me, it made an opening to re-enter the ministry. Now I have something to offer those who are hurting from the loss of a child. I can honestly say I know how it feels to hold the lifeless form of a baby in my hands and weep for what might have been. That is my connection to other fathers who have been there too. Through this I have found a purpose.

A Work in Progress

Arriving at this place in my life has not been easy. The very fact that I am connected with Glory Babies is because my child preceded me to Heaven. I am not part of this because I think it would be fun; I’m reaching out because Jesus Christ reached for me during our struggle with losing Isabella. Years ago, I told God I would never be involved in ministry again because we were hurt. I closed the world off and was content to be just another person with many demands and nothing to offer a hurting world.
Shortly after the May 2004 meeting, I was moved to do something with my loss. I wanted to memorialize our daughter; I wanted to make a difference. When I was first approached about working with the fathers of Glory Babies, I was doubtful about doing it. Eventually, God’s plan supplanted my own and here I am. God has a way of changing our hearts.
God is still working on me. It is a cliché I know, but it is the absolute truth. God is patiently cutting away everything that is unnecessary and eventually I will emerge and be exactly what He wants. The process will be slow and painful at times, but someday the shape will emerge. What is that shape you ask? It is to be like Christ (Romans 8:29).
I take comfort in knowing that God finds His children to be worthy of such work. He loves us enough to work us into shape; the shape of Jesus Christ. I do not look forward to the remainder of the process, but I know it will produce fruit in my life. If the fruit produced can help someone else; then it will be worth every moment.
Remember that even the most beautiful piece of furniture started out as a rough-sawn board. It is only after the skilled work of the master craftsman that its beauty and function can truly be seen. The finished product has always been there; it just takes a master to bring it out. Allow yourself to fall into the hands of the Master. Allow Him to remove what is unnecessary and reveal what you are to become. It may be painful and uncomfortable, but it can help you find your purpose.

How Are You Running The Race?
By Pam Davis

A couple of weeks ago I talked with a woman who had lost her grown daughter in a violent car wreck. She was heatedly telling me how her aunt had dared to tell her she understood her pain as she too had lost her daughter. The difference this woman said was that her aunt’s child had died from a drug overdose, a death she felt the young girl had “asked� for. It had been two years since this woman’s child had died. The vicious words of anger spewing from her mouth caused me to step back. A wave of deep sorrow washed over me as I listened, and I thought “someone has cut in on her and kept her from running the race.� Galatians 5:7-8 says, “ You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.� God has called each of us to run a race. Periodically stumbling blocks are placed in our path. If we allow him, God will use these blocks not to tear us down, but to give us the strength to finish the race.
As I listened to her vent her pain and think about the race she had stalled on, I began to think about an exercise that I do with my classes. Everyone is given a gold piece of paper. On it they are to write their greatest desire or goal they want to achieve. They then wad it up and throw it to the bottom of a paper sack. On top of that gold they throw wadded pieces of newspaper on which they have written the things that are keeping them from achieving the “gold�. It could be lack of motivation, lack of financial means, something that is haunting them from their past, an attitude, fear, anger… When everyone is finished I tell this fable.
Once upon a time there was a King who had a beautiful kingdom envied by all other kingdoms. It was a safe kingdom, secured on all sides and only one road in and out, keeping his inhabitants safe. On any balcony of his castle the King could stand as far as his eye could see, he owned. His pheasants adored him and worked happily to help his kingdom prosper. Coffers of gold, jewels, and other fine things filled the rooms of his castle. His kingdom thrived because he was a generous loving man to those who were faithful to him. One day, wanting to share in the wealth of his kingdom, he stood upon his balcony as his people excitedly gathered round to hear what he had to say. He would have a race he said; anyone regardless of age, size or place in the kingdom could participate. All who participated would be rewarded, but the winner would receive a chest of treasures. Not everyone participated. Some said it was just too much work, others said there was just no way they could run that far, still others had more important things to do. Others though, from all walks of life, eagerly began to run down the kingdom road when the flag was released. Soon however, they encountered a roadblock. Halfway down the road, right in the very middle, covering the entire road was a wide tall mountain of boulders. Right then and there some gave up saying there was no way around the mountain or it was just too high to climb. Others ran many miles out of their way around the roadblock, and still others decided to climb over the mountain. One man however thought “I have to come back this way when I return, and if I win the treasure it will be to heavy to carry over the mountain and to burdensome to carry around it. Everyone else will have to come this way to.� So he began to move the boulders off of the road one by one. Some boulders were easy; some took a great amount of work. As he neared the end he recalled with amazement that he got stronger with each bolder, and that sometimes when a boulder was just to heavy to lift a wave of strength seemed to come out of nowhere allowing him to do the impossible. As the last boulder loomed before him he exhaustedly wondered if he even had the strength now to make it to the end of the road. Did he even have a chance at winning; look at the people ahead of him. As he moved that last boulder out of place, to his surprise hiding behind it was the treasure.
The moral of this fable is “are you letting the death of your child keep you from running the race and being rewarded with the treasure God has waiting for you?� Are you like the people who chose not to race, not even allowing God to show you the plan he has for you through your child’s life and death? Are you like the runners who went around the mountain, avoiding God, knowing Him but not allowing him to soothe the pain in your heart? Are you like the runners who climbed over the mountain struggling and fighting all the way up, scraping your knees, elbows, heart, and soul as you struggle to overcome your heartbreak all on your own? Or, are you like the winner of the race, moving the stumbling blocks in your way one by one allowing God to give you the strength you need to overcome? It’s hard work, it’s long tedious work, and it may take much longer than you imagined, but as you face your child’s death with God’s help, He will lead you to the “gold� he has left you through their death.
Twenty years later I can say with confidence that the treasure God gave me through the loss of Zackery was that he shared a secret with me he shares with few others. He allowed me to feel a minute amount of the pain he felt when he turned away from his son and allowed people to nail Him to a cross, savagely mutilating and humiliating Him so that those same people might live. Had I not lost Zack, I can honestly say that I do not think I would have ever fully understood or appreciated what God did for me through Christ. Would I be able to do the same? I doubt it, but I will take the “gold� God gave me and not allow my son’s death to be in vain. Galatians 5:6 says, “For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.� God doesn’t care how you run the race; he just wants you to finish.

ROCKY ROADS
By Jennifer Carson
In loving memory of Braden Alec Carson, born into heaven August 3, 1999


Life is not always easy. That’s no news flash to most of us, especially if you are reading this newsletter. Chances are you are walking through one of the greatest trials in your life. There are days when it seems impossible to get out of bed. The grief is so heavy and physically draining. There is no energy. There is no will to keep going. Every step is monumental. The simple tasks in life are suddenly torture to complete. What happened? How does it consume our lives so completely?

Grief is a topic not discussed much in our culture. Because of that, when we are thrown into it we don’t know how to handle it. We don’t know what is normal. We don’t know what is acceptable. So many times we don’t want to feel the pain and/or make others feel uncomfortable, so we stuff it. It scares us. It overwhelms us. Somehow, someway we must find a way to take another step (even if it is a tiny one). If we stop, we will never reach our place of healing.

My family and I went to Colorado last month for our summer vacation. We stayed up in the mountains. It was absolutely beautiful and cool! One of our favorite activities to do as a family is four wheeling. Where we stayed was a VERY rocky road which wound up the side of the mountain to a breathtaking waterfall. One afternoon, the four of us took off, hoping (with confident expectation) to reach the top. It was the rockiest road I have EVER been on. My four year old daughter kept saying, “Mommy, please can we turn around and go back?� She was miserable the entire way. It was thirty solid minutes of jarring. There were other roads that turned off with less bumps, but we knew they didn’t lead to the top.

We eventually leveled out and completed our mission of reaching the waterfall. My husband and son climbed to the top, as my daughter and I sat down about half way up. We were right on the edge, able to look down and see the gushing water. It was incredible. It was majestic and so powerful. I thought about Jesus. It reminded me of Him. He is so powerful and so mighty. As I reflected on Him, He spoke to my heart with this message… “That rocky road you just came up is like your life over the past year. It has been a VERY DIFFICULT journey with devastating bumps along the way. You always had the option of turning around and going back or taking a road that didn’t appear to be so painful, but you kept moving�. So many times I’ve wanted to quit and give up. The pain of processing and growing has been unbearable at times. But He has continually given me just what I need to take the next step. He continued,�If you would have given up today, just think what you would have missed. It’s the same in life. I have a plan and yes, often the road is rocky, but if you will continue to put one foot in front of the other, I will continue to lead you. If you keep going, you will eventually make it to the top. You will understand and My glory will be revealed to you�. He once again gave me the encouragement I needed to take another step.

We don’t always know where our pain is leading, nor do we understand why things happen the way they do. But God does. He promises us if we trust in Him with all our heart and don’t try to lean on our own understanding, if we acknowledge Him in all we do then He will direct our steps (Proverbs 3:5-6). He is faithful. He is loving. He wants the best for our lives, which is to know Him more intimately. Unfortunately, that often only happens through our heartaches. I pray you will receive His compassion and love through His Son Jesus. I pray you will draw close to Him so He will draw close to you. He will never push. He waits patiently until you open the door and invite Him in. He is waiting to envelope you with His loving arms. Won’t you invite Him in today?

Raindrops from Heaven
Written by Heather Hulsey in memory of Isabella


After several months of living without my daughter Isabella I still sit and wonder WHY? Why did I have to wait eight years for her to be born only to lose her after a very short period of time? I find myself asking God why He allowed this cup to pass before me. Why did He allow Isabella to grace our lives for only a few hours? Was I supposed to learn some very important lesson, and if so what lesson could that possibly be? How or what could I learn from someone being in my life for only what seem to be like a split second? How could her life change anything or anyone?
I spent so much time asking God questions and demanding answers that I didn’t realize that He was waiting for me to listen to Him. While I was listening, He answered me.
I began to hear God speak to my heart. I learned that children who grace our lives for a short time are like raindrops. Raindrops!? I didn’t understand. How could Isabella’s life be compared to a raindrop? You think of rain coming at the worst possible time. Rain ruins parades, picnics, sporting events, and weddings. Rain is wet, cold and extremely inconvenient. Isabella was not an inconvenience. I struggled to understand what God was trying to explain to me. He helped me to look at raindrops from His perspective.
Think of the importance of a simple raindrop. God releases it from heaven and then sends it to a specific location. The raindrop falls to the earth and its usefulness depends on where it lands. If it lands in the river, lake, or ocean the body of water expands. Those are the children that stay with us and we raise them to love and serve God.
Then there are the raindrops that fall on dry ground. We only see that raindrop for a short time; it may even touch our cheek before it falls to the ground. What could that one little raindrop do? That raindrop falls to the ground, disappears and allows beautiful things to come to life and thrive. That raindrop allows flowers, trees, grass, and shrubs to grow.
Isabella is my raindrop from heaven. She will never be a part of the river, lake, or ocean of other children; but her short little life has made such an impact. I am amazed at all of the beautiful things that have grown from her life. I think of all the people she touched, even though she never took a breath and never spoke a word.
In her life I found love, happiness, and joy. In her death I find love, happiness, and joy from God. I especially realize the passionate love of God, for I know what he gave up for me--His ONLY son.
We can take that raindrop, catch it in a jar, and struggle to keep it forever; which is pain and resentment; or let it go free so that beauty will grow from its touch.
My prayer for every parent that has lost a child is that you are able to release that raindrop and watch beautiful things grow. Remember, your child did not come into your life to cause nothing but pain and resentment toward God or others. Your child came to saturate your heart with love. If you allow Him to, God can use that love to grow something beautiful.

Heather Hulsey

The Mountain
By Jodi Weaver

When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up.
Psalm 94:18

I have never truly been mountain climbing, but I have seen many shows on television where people were climbing one and I always thought it must be a very exhilarating thing. Then I would see one of the climbers start to fall and I thought to myself, “how very terrifying that must be!� The other day I was watching TV and a commercial came on that had a man climbing a mountain and it started me to thinking about the comparison between climbing a mountain and grief.

When we first start the “climb� we look up at this mountain and think that we will never get to the top. It is too high, too steep, too rocky.....too everything! But we have no choice. If we are to go anywhere, we have to climb. We can’t go under it and we can’t go around it....we can only go over it. So we start climbing. The going is rough and we don’t make much headway at first. We have to slowly search for foot and hand holds. We have to be careful that we choose the right path. But the longer we climb the easier it seem to become. We finally get to where we are moving right along at a fair speed when all of a sudden one of our foot holds turns out to be too weak and we start to slide backwards. Sometimes we may slide all the way to the bottom again. Sometimes we only slide a few feet. But either way, we have to start climbing all over again. This time the going is easier because we know where the best path is to get back to where we fell. Then we have to slow down and start feeling our way again. When we finally make it to the top, we think we are home free. The scene that meets our eyes is beautiful. We would love to just sit there on that mountaintop and enjoy it forever. But again, we must continue onward. What we don’t realize is that sometimes the path down can be just as trying as the path up. If you get to going to fast, you could fall and slide too far off the correct path and you might even find yourself hanging from a cliff. So you have to find just the right speed. When you have finally reach the bottom of the other side, you have accomplished something wonderful. Unfortunately, for some they find out that they have made it, only to have another mountain looming in the way.

How does that compare to grief? Well, when we are looking at our grief at the beginning, we think we will never be able to “climb� up it. We know that we will never truly heal unless we go over this mountain, but we will put off the climb as long as possible. When we finally start, we have to slowly feel our way. We will think we are making good progress, when WHAM a foot hold gives way in the form of some one saying something that hurts, or an anniversary date, or even hearing a song on the radio. The first time this happens we usually will slide all the way back down to the bottom and have to start our climb all over again. After a while it gets easier and we don’t fall so far back down. When we finally make it to the top, we are content to just sit and admire the view. Maybe we are about 11 months out and we feel that we are finally “over� it. So we just sit and rest. Then we realize that the anniversary date is approaching and it is like suddenly rolling too fast down the other side. Before you know it you are dangling from an overhang or cliff, terrified that you will fall the rest of the way down without help. The pain of grief can seem so intense that you feel as if you are climbing without a rope. Once you finally make it down the other side things are looking better and you have finally reached “level ground� again. For some, like myself, another loss makes you realize that there is another mountain to climb before you can go on.

While I was climbing the mountain of grief with the boys, I felt that I should have been an old pro at it by now. I mean I had already climbed more mountains than most people climb in a lifetime, but that was not the case. It seemed that this one was even steeper than the others were and there were a lot more weak footholds that would see me sliding backwards. I found several verses that helped me. I always felt that God became my “rope� and that without Him, I would crash to the rocks below. I learned to trust fully upon Him to guide me to the next hand or foot hold and to trust that if I started slipping, that I was only going to slip as far as He allowed me to. He was my “safety harness�. He can be your safety harness too. All you have to do is depend wholly upon Him to guide and sustain you during your climb. Below are a few of the scriptures that led me to this feeling of safety. I hope and pray that they will give you the same feeling of peace and security that they have given me.


Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.
2 Sam 22:37

Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.
Psalm 17:5

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.
Psalm 37:24

Ministering To Others…
By Faith and Not By Sight 4/05
By Jennifer Carson

Glory Babies was birthed in January 2001, out of a need for people who have lost a baby to have a place to come to grieve. We live in a culture that does not acknowledge grief. We are expected to “buck up and move on�. Moving on is very appropriate; however, allowing ourselves to grieve is a part of that process. Since Glory Babies began, we have told the Lord, “As long as You continue to send people (showing us the need), we will continue to meet�. We have ministered to over 100 families in East Texas who have suffered the loss of a baby. We also have a monthly newsletter that is mailed throughout the country. Our website shares testimonies, articles (written by our group members) and poems that can minister to those who are not interested or not yet ready for a group setting.

Grief is something that doesn’t go away. The grief work has to be done, whether now or twenty years from now. If not dealt with appropriately, it will continually rear its ugly head and weave itself throughout our lives. Emotional wounds are no different than physical wounds. With a physical wound on our body, it has to be scrubbed to allow healthy new tissue to grow. If left alone, it scabs over and often becomes infected below the surface. Emotional pain is no different. It needs to be scrubbed. One way of scrubbing our wounds is to attend and participate in a support group. By talking about it, the wound is reopened and exposed. Although this can be extremely painful, it does promote the healing process. God’s healing balm is allowed to penetrate and restore.

In the fall of 2004, we were beginning to question what God wanted us to do with the group. No one but our steering team was attending monthly meetings. Was our season for Glory Babies coming to an end? As a group and individually, we prayed for very specific direction. We all received the same answer and believed He wanted us to continue meeting (even if He didn’t send another person for the next 12 months). At the time, we didn’t understand, but made the choice to walk by faith and not by sight. Within six months, He made His purpose very clear to us. As the spring of 2005 rolled around, He began to swing open doors to move Glory Babies to a national level.

In hind sight, we were able to see what He was teaching us. Are we willing to walk in obedience, making it look like He wants it to look instead of how we think it should look? How many times do we get so focused on what we think things should look like? When in reality, it has very little to do with us. We are just privileged to be a tiny part of what God is doing to expand His Kingdom here on earth. How does your ministry look? Is it growing how you think it should… or how God thinks it should? Surrender it to Him. It’s not about numbers or about us. It’s all about His purposes being accomplished through us.

Proverbs 16:3 says “Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will succeed�. God knew the desire of our hearts has always been to begin other Glory Babies groups, but He had never opened that door before. I see now that He is much more interested in our obedience than in our ability to perform works in His Name.

How Long?
Written by Pam Davis in memory Zack.

Working with people who’ve lost a child, I’m often asked how long it takes to heal…

Recently my mother-in-law asked me to “celebrate� Zack’s 21st birthday with her and my two sister-in-laws with a visit to his grave in Colleyville and a “girls� weekend. I was hurt when asked because I could rarely recall, if ever, discussing Zack with my sister-in-laws, and seldom with my mother-in-law. I was also offended because to me a girls weekend of fun and frolic didn’t involve anything that celebrated Zack’s life.

Having moved away from Tyler, we have not had the opportunity to visit the new Children’s Park except through the website. We were recently in Tyler and got our first opportunity to visit. I invited my mother-in-law along thinking I would share with her how I felt about celebrating Zack’s birthday. She didn’t know where we were going and was surprised when we rolled into the parking lot. She thought the park had been built with funds raised by the school children across the street. As we began our stroll I told her we were going to visit Zack and began to tell her the story of the park and Glory Babies. You see, we’d mentioned our involvement in Glory Babies to them and had invited them to previous annual remembrance walks with what we’d perceived as not much interest on their part. But as we talked, I realized because they’d not asked much about it, we failed to share with them completely what Glory Babies truly meant to us. As we walked along and read the children’s names and marveled at the butterflies that Saturday, we ended up shedding some tears and sharing a lot of things left unsaid over the last 21 years. Things not said, not necessarily because no one cared, but because no one knew how to begin. As we left the park, we each had received long withheld healing and a new plan for celebrating Zack’s birthday. Craig’s family would represent Zack at the Walk the first weekend in October. Having never been to one of Glory Babies remembrance walks, I know that Craig’s family will celebrate Zack’s life in a way they never expected and receive a blessing far greater than a visit to a tombstone and a “girls� weekend could ever bring them.

As we walked up the incline to the parking lot I had the eeriest feeling. As I turned back towards the park I heard children’s laughter on the wind that quietly blew through the park, the patter of their feet as they splashed through the water and their giggles in the flutter of the butterflies wings and I realized that you never completely heal from losing a child, you just find new ways to “hold� your child. “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.� Ecc3:1

Grief Ripples
By Jodi Weaver

I went to a retreat a while back and as I sat looking out at the lake outside the window of my room, I felt God speaking to me.
The lake lay still and calm with the surface like glass. The sky was reflected upon it, giving a feeling of vastness, even though it was only a small lake. Everything was calm, no wind was blowing. I felt at peace with nature around me. Then something off to the side caught my attention. From the bank, several ducks entered the water and silently swam towards the center of the lake. In front of them, the lake was still calm and mirror-like, but behind them was a wake of ripples spreading out wider and wider. As they reached the center of the lake, I looked back at the spot where they had entered the water and it was still and mirror-like. The ripples had already moved through it.
This started me to thinking about how our grief is the same. We are going through life and all is calm and peaceful. We are happy and content with our life. Then out of no where something starts creeping into our life from the sides. In the main part of our life, the parts that people see, everything appears to be still calm and undisturbed. They don’t see the ripples that are forming. Before long the disturbance moves to the center of our lives and the ripples are so large that no one can miss seeing them.
How does this apply to us? When we become pregnant, we are so excited and everything seems perfect. Then we start having problems. They are so small at first that they are barely noticeable to even ourselves. The world never realizes that there is anything wrong. Slowly the fear begins to engulf us and then the grief takes over as we realize we have lost the baby. The ripples of grief begin slowly, but end up spreading out through our whole life. It may take a while before the grief ripples are big enough to be noticed by the rest of the world, but sooner or later they can’t help but notice.
For some the grief comes on so hard and fast it is as if someone took a huge rock and threw it into the lake. If your pregnancy is going along fine and suddenly you find out that there is no heartbeat, or maybe your child dies of SIDs or from a terrible accident. These ripples are sudden and huge. These are ripples that no one can miss.
What is the good news? Just like the wake of ripples that were made by the ducks on the pond started slowly disappearing as they moved further out on the lake, so will out grief ripples. As grief moves through, sooner or later the ripples begin to get smaller and smaller. We may feel that they will continue to grow forever, take heart in the fact that they will finally disappear. That doesn’t mean that they will never come back again. Sometimes they are just as large as the first time, and sometimes the will be smaller ripples. We will just learn from the first time that we can have PEACE again.

God makes Lemonade

William (Bo) Hulsey

Life is more than a heartbeat or brainwaves. It is something that is far more important. It is an eternal condition. It is something God creates and only He is authorized to take. In His hands and His hands alone is the power to give life. Our children’s lives were formed by His hands and His hands alone. We are merely agents that have the privilege of being stewards of the lives of our children.
We often use the term “my kids� or “my child�, but the reality is that they are God’s little ones. We have merely been given the opportunity to shape them. Sometimes that opportunity is stripped from us by the death or other loss, such as a failed adoption, of a child. It rips the very fabric of our souls and sends us into a whirlwind of grief, anger, and sometimes rebellion against God.
We doubt God and ourselves. We start looking for reasons why. We question God’s love for us. We wonder what we did wrong. Many things happen during grief and all of them are normal. God sees our pain. He grieves with us and reaches out to us during this time through His Spirit because He wants us to turn to “the incomparable riches of His grace� (Eph. 2:7). He wants us to feed off of that grace which He has given us though Christ (Eph. 1:6) and know that we are loved and He is close even when He seems to be absent.
Shortly after we lost Isabella, doubt and anger crept in and set up housekeeping. I was angry at God for allowing her to die. I felt robbed of the pleasures and heartaches associated with fatherhood. I wanted God to leave me alone because I doubted His love for Heather and me. I was fed up with God and at times, accused Him of playing games with people’s lives.
I could not have been more wrong. I began to realize that God was using the death of our daughter to open up lines of communication with me. He wanted me to listen to His voice again and learn obedience. Like I’ve said before, He wanted me to rediscover my purpose and move toward it. I began to open my Bible again and discover who I was in God’s eyes and His intentions for my life.
Perhaps you are grieving a loss. It’s okay to grieve because God is allowing the pain to run its course. Anger, doubt, questions, and despondence are normal symptoms of loss. Turn to God and His people for comfort. If people say the wrong thing, simply smile and forgive them. It is unintentional because they do not know what to say. Trust God to heal you in time; His time. He will gently steer you through this by using those that care about you. It will be a tough trip, but you will get there.
We are happier now than we have been in a long time. Heather and I are experiencing a closeness and intimacy that we have never experienced in our marriage. God is not only working in our marriage, He is working in other areas of our lives. Losing Isabella was difficult and devastating, but the impact she made in our lives has changed everything. This is truly a “lemonade� moment. God has taken the lemon that was the loss of our daughter and made lemonade. How sweet it is!

Fathers Day- Man Oh Man
Written by Craig Davis in memory of Zackery


In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.
Ps 138:3

Well Jodi done messed up again and asked me to write an article for Glory Babies. You would think after one blubberin’ article I wrote she would have learned better. But she hasn’t, so here we go. If you cannot read country, you are in big trouble. I write like I talk.

You know guys, we are suppose to be the dudes that can handle everything all by ourselves. We don’t need no stinkin’ help, right? We are the macho ones that can handle anything that comes our way. Bring it on. We ain’t scared, right?

Sometimes we aren’t very smart either. My wife will tell you that quite often, but that’s an entirely different story. I went 16 years without talking to anyone about our baby and it darn near cost me my family. If I can help one guy out there, then I have accomplished what I set in front of this tube to do. Here are some steps that might help you deal with your loss.

First of all, the most important thing is to talk to God. God will not let anything happen to you that you cannot handle. It says so in the Good Book. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me�. Now if you’re still in the mode I mentioned above, you’re going to have a very hard time. Remember that’s the way I did it. Learn from my mistakes. PRAY. Ask God for His help and He will be there. That is His guarantee.

Second, talk to your wife. She’s going through this too. If you clam up, then she goes through it alone. That’s where the wedge starts. It will only end when you open up to her and talk about your feelings. She has them also and you need to know what she is feeling. We are guys and guys and gals have totally different feelings. Step one and two will determine if ya’ll will make it through your loss as a family or not. Communication is a big key in dealing with the loss of a child. To me it is the biggest step.

Last, but not least, remember it will be hard. Know that God blessed you with your child, if only for seconds, that child is still a blessing. I think back to when they came and got me when Zack was born. I walked back and scrubbed up. When I walked up and saw him, I was in awe and at the same time scared to death. The nurse said, “It’s ok to touch him. He needs that�. I remember holding him and could not wait to get him home. That was not in the plan. God’s plan for me was to help you guys with your struggles. I have accepted that. Has it been easy; NO! Been a long time coming, but He has patience where sometimes we don’t.

The last thing I want to say to each of you is HAPPY FATHERS DAY! Keep the faith and someday you will be rejoined with your beautiful child. As ole King David said when he lost his child, “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.� II Samuel 12:23.

Love in Christ,
Craig

Resurrection Assurance
Written by Jodi Weaver in memory of Isaac and Jacob

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me
will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die.
John 11:25

Easter has always been a very special holiday to me. As a child, I looked forward to the Easter Bunny and all that went with that supposed icon of Easter. I loved getting all the goodies at the egg hunts and most of all; I was always excited about getting a new “special� dress to wear to church that day. The family always got together and had a special meal, which meant that I could spend the day with my favorite cousins. I become a Christian at a very young age so I knew what the real meaning behind Easter was, but it wasn’t as real as the “commercial� meaning.

As I grew older, I became more and more aware of the resurrection of Christ and what it meant to me as a Christian. Easter became special to me for that reason alone. I would cry thinking about what my Savior endured during the time leading up to the crucifixion. Having a very vivid imagination, I would close my eyes and “see� the beatings, the crown of thorns being jammed down on His head and Him carrying that heavy cross up the hill to Golgotha. I could almost feel at times the nails being driven into His hands and feet. Every Easter, I would listen to the preacher as he described how Jesus died for my sins and I would anguish over how He had to have felt when God turned His back on Him because He bore my sins. After seeing “The Passion of Christ�, I realized that nothing that I could imagine even came close to what He endured. I would imagine I was one of His followers and think about what they must have felt. They had just spent 3 years with Him. They had poured all of themselves into Him and His ministry. They had to have felt totally lost. What did they do now? I would think about His mother and how she had to have felt looking up at Him on that cross and being powerless to prevent His pain. And then I would cry even harder, but with tears of joy, as I listened to how He defeated death and was raised again on the third day. I loved reading the account of Mary and the other women visiting the tomb and finding it empty. I thought it was so neat that the first person He appeared to was her. And then I thought about what that meant for me. I could not believe how much He loved me and what He did for me. Not the whole world….but me!!

So Easter became more and more special to me as the years passed. Ever since I lost my children, Easter has taken on an additional meaning for me. Because of Easter, I have the blessed assurance that I will be with Jesus in Heaven someday. That in itself is amazing. But what is just as wonderful to me is the fact that, because of this same resurrection assurance, I know without a doubt that I will see my children again. I will spend all of eternity with them. II Corinthian 5:6-8 says, “Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord—for we walk by faith, not by sight—we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.� I love this scripture! It is so true! For while I am here on the earth, I am doing my best to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God, but I can honestly say that I look forward to the day that I can see Jesus, as well as my children, face to face. Do you have the assurance of the resurrection? Have you trusted Him with your life? It is not too late. Trust in Him today.

Blessed are the Barren?
Written by Jodi Weaver in memory of Isaac and Jacob

For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.’
Luke 23:29

I have recently been thinking a lot about the years that I endured the pain of infertility and I remembered some of the scriptures in the Bible that both comforted and confused me. In Luke 23 it says that some day people will call the barren woman blessed. I don’t know about you, but I have yet to reach the point that I would call my barrenness a blessing. When I read this scripture in the midst of my struggle with infertility, I asked God what He could possibly mean by it. I was so interested in what it said that I wanted to find out what else He said about barrenness.

There are many scriptures in the Bible that refer to women that could not bear children. When you look at the names of the women that endured infertility you find, “Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth and Sampson’s Mother�. All of these ladies are listed in the Bible as being childless or barren. All of these women’s barrenness was used by God to promote His plans. I was comforted by the fact that even in their old age, God opened their womb and allowed them to have a child. I knew that if He could do that for them, He could do it for me too. I was confused because I couldn’t figure out what His purpose for my barrenness was. I knew that He had to have one, I just couldn’t see it.

Isaiah 66:9 says “Shall I bring to the point of birth and not give delivery?� says the Lord. “Or shall I who gives delivery shut the womb?� says your God. Another thing that stood out to me was the scriptures that not only talked about women being barren, but that they were barren because “God closed their womb�. In Isaiah 66:9 it not only says that God closes the womb, but that He is also in control of the miscarriage and the still birth. In I Sam 1: 5-6 it says “But to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, but the Lord had closed her womb. Her rival, however, would provoke her bitterly to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb.� And in Gen 20:18 it says, “For the Lord had closed fast all the wombs of the household of Abimelech.� I would use these scriptures and pray that the Lord would no longer close my womb. I didn’t understand the purpose for my closed womb, but I tried to trust God to use it for His purpose as He did for the women of the Bible.

In Isaiah 54:1 it says, “Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed; For the sons of the desolate will be more numerous than the sons of the married woman,� says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities. Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced.� This was probably the scripture that confused me the most. How could I possibly “shout for joy� in my barrenness? Surely God did not want me to do this. This was meant for the women of the Biblical times, Right? But one thing I know with all certainty is that the Bible (and I mean all parts of the Bible) still applies to me today. So I would look at this verse and ask God how I was supposed to sing and shout joyfully over not being able to have children.

The only answer I ever got was that I am supposed to be joyful in all situations. Philippians 4: 4-7 says “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.� This verse tells me that I am to rejoice in the Lord no matter what my circumstances are. That is not humanly possible. You can not rejoice at all times without the Lord’s help. This verse also goes on to say that we are to be anxious for nothing something that is also not possible unless we continue with the rest of the verse which says by prayer and supplication make your requests known to God. God Himself has promised to help us to be satisfied with our circumstances and to help us rejoice.

So what I learned through the years is that I have to take my barrenness to God and leave it at the foot of the Cross and to trust Him to use it in a way that will bring glory to Him. This was not easy and there were many times that I would forget and take it back. But I know that as long as I tried to make it happen myself and to follow my own plan there was no way I could be joyful. As long as I was allowing God to control, then I could rejoice and say that although I wasn’t happy that I was barren, I was joyful that with Jesus as my Savior I could handle anything that came my way. His plan is always the best, even when we don’t understand the plan. When you can finally turn your barrenness completely over to God, then you will be able to rejoice in His provisioning, if not in the barrenness itself.

God is Love
“We love, because He first loved us.� 1 John 4:19
Written by Jodi Weaver in memory of Isaac and Jacob

With February being the month that the subject of “love� is the most often talked about, I thought it would be a good time to look at love from God’s perspective. I know that when we are in the midst of our grief, God’s love seems to be the last thing we feel and we begin doubting what we have been taught all our lives. That God is Love!

In 1 John 3:1, it says, “See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God�. Until I went through all the years of infertility, the loss of my 5 babies and the failed adoption of Joseph, I can truthfully say that I did not fully understand the depth of this verse. The desire to be a parent made me understand just how precious a thing it was to call someone “my child�. Then when we adopted JoAnna I was able to understand it even more. We have been adopted into the family of God through the death and resurrection of Jesus. I love JoAnna as if she was a child of my own womb, and that is how God loves us. We are His children.

In Romans 5:8, it says, “But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us�. I don’t know about you, but I can not see myself giving my life for a stranger. But if someone or something threatened JoAnna, you can bet I would give my life to protect her. That is what love is all about. But for me to give JoAnna’s life to let someone else live? It would never happen. Yet God sent His one and only Son to earth to die for OUR sins. We don’t deserve to be saved from eternal death, but God provides a way for us to be saved anyway. He gave the ultimate sacrifice because He loves us so much.

The Bible tells us over and over that God not only loves us, but that He IS love. There would be no love without God. In 1 John 4: 7-21 it says that God loves us, or that God is love, many times. I challenge you to count the number of times it stresses how much God loves us. In doing so, it will make you more aware than ever just how precious we are to Him. In verse 10 it says, “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us.� When we are unlovable and unloving, God loves us. When we are at our worst, He loves us anyway. He doesn’t wait for us to deserve His love. He doesn’t wait for us to return His love.

As I stated in the beginning, I know that it is hard to feel the love of God sometimes, especially when we are blinded by grief because of the death of our precious babies or because of our great desire to have a baby. But hold fast to Romans 8:38-39 that says, “Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.� So even when we can’t FEEL His love, it is still there. It is surrounding us and we will never ever be separated from it. May the love of God make itself know to you today in a very special way.

What is Your Fleece?
Written by Jodi Weaver in loving memory of Isaac & Jacob Weaver

Gideon said to God, “If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised---look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that You will save Israel by my hand as you said.�
And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew---a bowl full of
water. Then Gideon said to God, “Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test
with the fleece. This time, make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew.� That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry;
all he ground was covered with dew.
Judges 6:36-40

You know there is a little bit of Gideon in all of us. We say that we trust God and that He will supply our every need, but how often do we really trust Him completely with every part of our life? Recently I came face to face with this reality. I realized that I was keeping a fleece out waiting for God to prove Himself faithful to me. I have wanted to be able to be home with JoAnna since she was born. She is such a miracle gift from God and I wanted so much to be able to enjoy every minute with her. The last year I have been absolutely miserable in my job. But the key is that I would not quit. WHY? I was the one that had the benefits. Tom’s job did not offer benefits at a price that we could afford. I kept praying for God to give Tom a job that would give us benefits so that I could quit and stay home with JoAnna and spend more time serving Him through Glory Babies and other ministries. You see I was saying “God you give me this and then I will do this…� I did not trust God to supply all our needs. I wanted Him to prove that He would take care of us first. My fleece was a job for Tom.

One of the things that I felt God was leading me to do was write a book. I kept saying that if I wasn’t working I could write it. Finally, I realized that I didn’t have to be home to write that book. I spent many evenings with my laptop in my lap sitting on the couch writing. Once I had finished that book I began to feel that God was really moving in my life. Little did I realize just how much He was moving! I gave my book to Jennifer to read and we both realized how much this book was going to mean to Glory Babies. We began to work on finding out how to get it published. I prayed that God would lead us and that He would help me to know what He wanted me to do. Again, I prayed that God would give Tom a job with benefits so that I could quit and concentrate on my book and on JoAnna. (You know setting the fleece out again.)

On Thursday October 27th we found out that one of the Key Account Representatives in my department was being laid off. My first thought was “God why not me?� That evening I really thought a lot about what would have happened if it had been me. How it would have been the answer to all my dreams. I felt as if God was dangling my dream just at the end of my fingertips and saying “Do you trust me? Do you trust me enough to provide for your family?� I said “But God we wouldn’t have any benefits� and again God said to me “Do you trust me?� Finally, I said “Yes�. So the next morning I asked my boss if I could be the one that was laid off. It was probably the scariest thing I have ever done. But the minute I asked, I felt the most wonderful peace!! I didn’t just take a step of faith…I took a leap.

On Thursday November 3rd Tom had an interview with Pine Cove Christian Camp and on Thursday November 10th he was hired. WOW! Talk about amazing. When I finally took the fleece in and trusted God to supply our needs without proof, God supplied exactly what I had been praying for and He did it in only 2 weeks. This was not the first fleece I have put out over the years. This was just the latest in a long list. Looking back I can see each and every one of them clearly and I am not proud of myself.

Are you a Gideon as well? What fleece are you putting out? Do you need to trust God with your baby’s life? Do you need to trust God with your barrenness? It took me a while to realize exactly what I was doing and that I wasn’t trusting God. Now that I know what my fleece was, I pray that I will not be as quick to produce one again. My prayer for you is that as this New Year begins, you will search your heart to find your fleece and then surrender it to God. Let that be your New Year’s Resolution. May God Bless you and keep you in the New Year.

Not What We Would Expect
Written by Jodi Weaver in loving memory of Isaac & Jacob Weaver

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave
birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him
in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
Luke 2:6-7

As Christmas approaches, I know from experience that this is a holiday that is hard to take for those who are fresh in their grief. It is especially difficult if you have lost a baby. It seems that the whole holiday is focused around babies and children. You have all the nativity scenes and stories about the birth of Baby Jesus. Then you have the other side of the holiday with Santa and all the children. One thing that I learned a long time ago was to focus on the fact that the baby was not just any baby. It was my Lord and Savior. I learned to be like a microscope if you will and zone in on this one aspect of Christmas and to try to blur out the rest of the images. In saying this I wanted to share something with you that I felt was important. I teach a 2nd grade Sunday school class at church and as usual this last Sunday I learned as much as my students did. As I was teaching them about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, I actually thought of some things that I had never thought of before.

All of our Nativity Scenes depict a beautiful, clean setting when in actuality the stable was a very dirty, smelly place. The stable is believed to have been a dirt cave carved out of the side of a hill. The “manger� would have been a shelf dug out of one of the walls not a wooded box. And as for the hay in the manger, have you ever seen a horse or cow eat? The hay would have been covered in slobber from the animals having eaten there. The floor of the stable would have been covered in waste products and hay. I am sure there were all kinds of insects and “critters� around. As I said, “It was a very dirty, smelly place.� As I shared this with my students, I started thinking about how Mary must have felt when she entered that place.

She saw and smelled everything, yet there was no where else to go. They had already tried everywhere they could think of and it was too late to try anything else. She didn’t have a choice. She must have been scared. Here she was ready to have the baby that the Angel had told her she would have and it was not going anything like she had thought it would go. She had just traveled miles away from all of her family and friends and now she was all alone with no one but Joseph to help her. But she also had God with her and she knew that God would not let anything happen to His Son.

After we discussed how Mary must have felt, we talked about what the world expected. They expected a great and mighty king in a castle and instead it got a tiny helpless baby in a smelly stable. Not exactly the way they had pictured the birth of the Messiah. They had waited hundreds of years for this day and now that it was here, no one believed it was true except the lowly shepherds that were told by the angels about the birth. Pretty much the same as so many people of today don’t believe that Jesus was the Savior.

The most important thing that we discussed was the fact that JESUS WAS BORN TO DIE!!! Christmas is a very important holiday for those of us that are Christians. We celebrate it with tears in our eyes and joy in our hearts, but what we need to remember most of all is that Jesus wasn’t just born. Without Easter, Christmas means nothing. Without Easter, this birth would be no different from the millions of births since creation. Without Easter, there would be no reason to celebrate Christmas at all. But we do have Easter. Jesus was born at Christmas so that He could die and be raised again, thirty-three years later, on Easter Morning. God had a plan, just as He has a plan for us through the lives of our babies. So as you enter this holiday season, don’t concentrate on the fact that everywhere you look there are babies and children. Instead concentrate on the fact that our Lord and Savior was born on this special day so that He could give us an Easter to celebrate later, that would enable able us to have Eternal Life in heaven. After all, that is the only way we will be able to see our precious babies again.

I guess all of us have learned a great deal from the "dark times" in our lives. I know I have. One of the things that I have learned is that there is really never a "dark time", only times that I forget to look to the Light of the Father for comfort and guidance. Below is an article that I found that I could definitely identify with and I thought you would also. ----Jodi

When Jesus spoke again to the people, He said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

What I have learned...
(Compiled from a list published in Bereavement Magazine by Nancy Ludt)

To take one day at a time
To appreciate life and not take it for granted
If today is bleak, tomorrow CAN be better
To appreciate the moments when I can laugh


That I can laugh again and not feel guilty
Not to take my health for granted
What is trivial
That the pain never goes away, but it does get "softer"


That no one can comfort me like Jesus can
That joy does return...only in a different way
To turn "it" over to the Lord
Not to let Satan STEAL my happiness
To accept that I may NEVER know why


Not to blame people when they don't understand
The ability or courage to face adversity
That love never dies
That time is an ally


That every moment really matters
That I must create a "new normal" for myself
That I will always have tears on my heart
The importance of support and encouragement


That to lose a child is the "ultimate tragedy"
That I need others who have been there to help me through this journey
That it is so important to keep my child's name and memory alive
That over time the cemetery brings peace and solitude...not just tears


That the pain and grief I feel today isn't necessarily how I will feel tomorrow
That people that have not lost a child can not possibly understand what I went through
Our society is deficient in death education and really doesn't know how to respond to someone who is grieving
That no one grieves like me; everybody grieves differently


That grief is not time-bound
Everyone grieves differently, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve
There is no time frame for "getting on with your life" after the death of your child
Sometimes strangers can give more than our relatives


Don't put things off---you may not have tomorrow
No matter how much you want it to be so, the world does NOT stop when your child dies
A broken heart will mend...almost
That is helps to focus on the small things because then it is possible to make sense of the larger picture


The daily searing pain gets less raw, and sometimes I CAN have moments of joy
My child will always be "alive" as long as I am alive and keep the memories alive
I CAN smile when I remember my child
It sometimes takes years of "baby stepping and falling" to make progress on the journey of grief

By Jodi
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One of the first thoughts that crosses the mind of a bereaved mother is "When can I get pregnant again?" Although no baby will ever replace the one(s) we have lost, there is a great urgency and longing to fill empty arms. As women, we often feel we have let down our husbands, extended family and even friends. As a result most women feel a need to prove to everyone that "I can do it" and have a compulsion to try again as quickly as possible.

But it takes courage to try again. As committed as you may be to having another baby, it's perfectly normal to be nervous or even scared. After all, you already know that not all pregnancies result in a picture-perfect happy ending. Like it or not, the innocence you enjoyed when you found out you were pregnant for the very first time, has been lost forever. You can't get it back.

Don't be surprised by the smorgasbord of different emotions you will feel. The joy of finding out you are carrying another life, will often times be overshadowed by worry, guilt and outright panic. Some days you may be convinced that getting pregnant again is the only thing you could do that would bring joy back into your life. At other times, you may wonder if you are crazy to expose yourself to the possibility of heartache again.

For men, the emotions are similar, yet different. Even though becoming a father again excites him, that excitement is overshadowed by the fear he may feel for his wife and unborn child. But worse than the fear, is the awful feeling of being helpless. There is nothing he can do to protect those he loves. Because of this feeling, he may even distance himself from anything pertaining to the pregnancy. The thought being, "If I don't get involved or excited I won't get hurt." This distancing leads the wife to believe he doesn't want this baby.

The bottom line is that a subsequent pregnancy will not be easy. It will be emotionally, physically and mentally difficult and exhausting. Your days will vary from rational to irrational. It is important that you have a good support system that you can depend on. Also that you can feel in control of the medical aspects of your pregnancy when possible. Getting past the point of your first loss (if it was during pregnancy) can be relieving. Some couples spend their days counting down to viability of the new baby, while others simply put themselves in an "ignore" mode until the last moment. There no one right way to deal with subsequent pregnancies, you have to do what you feel is best for you.

2 Samuel tells us the story of the Psalmist David and the death of his son. David and Bathsheba had a little boy that he adored and when the child became ill "David pleaded with God for the child." After seven days of fasting and praying he is told that his son had died. His servants were confused because he no longer fasted. David told them "While my child was still living, I fasted and wept thinking that the Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I continue to fast? Can it bring him back? I will go to be with him, but he will not return to me."

The story goes on to tell that David and Bathsheba had a subsequent child, Solomon, who the Bible describes as greatly loved by the Lord and was the wisest man in the land. I have often wondered how long David and Bathsheba waited and if she was preoccupied with another pregnancy like modern day women tend to be after a loss. Did she have all the worries and fears during her subsequent pregnancy and throughout Solomon's childhood that we have today? And did she continue to mourn for her first son despite the fulfillment Solomon must have brought them? Perhaps someday in Heaven I will have the opportunity to sit down with Bathsheba and ask her what it was like in ancient days to lose a child and then go on to have a successful pregnancy.

As you read this article, I hope it will help those of you who are currently expecting a subsequent child to realize you are not alone in your feelings and that your thoughts and attitudes are perfectly normal. And for those of you considering trying for a subsequent child, my desire is that it will help you make decisions that are right for you and your family. It is my sincere prayer that the Lord will give us all the desires of our hearts and fill the void that we have in our lives.

Author Unknown
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Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles. An Angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life. But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday-life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and death, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through.

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him." I JOHN 4:9 NIV

To the Author who beautifully wrote this: THANK YOU! Please contact us at glorybabies@ChildrenAreAGift.com so that we may give you credit.

One of the most stressful things a person can suffer is the loss of a child. The loss of a parent is difficult but expected, but a parent never expects to out live their child. I once read “when a parent dies one looses his past, when a spouse dies one looses his present, but when a child dies one looses his future�. As a culture, we don’t like to deal with death openly. It is uncomfortable. Many times people just avoid talking about it and pretend it doesn’t exist. They don’t know what to say and they feel awkward. As a culture, we allow people time for physical recovery after suffering a major injury like a car accident; but when people suffer a major emotional injury, we expect them to “move on� after a few weeks when really they are far from “being over it�. Their loss will impact the rest of their lives. Physical wounds need cleaning, time and time again, to properly heal. Though the cleaning is painful, it is necessary; otherwise, it might heal at the surface but infection may breed underneath (like an abscess). So it is with grief. Sometimes we need to clean our wounds, or sometimes even reopen them, to allow them to correctly heal. It hurts, but it is necessary to emotionally heal. Elwood Stetson, a grief counselor, has come and shared with Glory Babies about these things. He imparted to us four phases of grieving to expect to walk through for healing.

Phase I: Facing the reality of the loss (Recognize, Acknowledge)

When some one dies, even if it is expected, it is hard to believe. There is always a sense of unreality. Grief work always begins with coming face to face with the reality that the person is dead, that they are gone and will not return. This recognition of the loss overcomes the automatic denial that temporarily numbs.

John 16:33; Isaiah 53:3

Phase II: Feeling the pain of loss (Express, Confess)

It is necessary to acknowledge and express the many painful feelings that accompany loss. Society does not give permission to express feelings and it may be difficult to find some one to listen, but God always hears and understands. This is the most painful aspect of mourning, but "blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted." The pain is physical, social, spiritual, and emotional. The expression of emotion is necessary for healing.

Matthew 5:4; Job 16:16

Phase III: Finalizing the loss (Accepting, Embracing, Releasing)

This is the hardest phase. It is most difficult to accept the loss. The hard cold reality of the finality sets in. The choice must be made to let go of what is no longer there. It involves coming to terms with all that was lost, and deciding to live again. There must be an “emotional� funeral.

Philippians 3:7-10; Gal 2:20

Phase IV: Finding the gifts (Discovery, Meaning, Growth)

With every gain there is loss and with every loss there is- gain. Although they are hard to find, there are gifts behind every loss. They are as hard to find as diamonds. This is not recovering or replacing what was lost, for things will never be the same. This is not forgetting or dishonoring the memory of the lost loved one. It is letting go of what is no longer there, and reaching out for what is there.

Isaiah 61-4; II Corinthians 4: 17-18; Rom 8:28

Elwood B. Stetson, M Ed; M A. 597-0018
Pastoral Counselor, Certified Bereavement Facilitator President: Life International
Coordinator: Pray Tyler

(author unknown)
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There were children laughing and playing, babies nestled in their mother's arms. Casual conversations were had just to pass the time away. One in particular stands out in my mind…


"How old is your son?" I asked referring to the baby she was cradling.
"He's three months old."
"He's beautiful."
"Thank you. Do you have any children?"

"Yes," I replied, "A son, Griffen."
"Is he here?"
"No, someone is taking care of him."
"Oh, that's too bad, I would have loved to have met him." She continued, "I just can't imagine letting someone else take care of my little boy, I just don't know how you are able to do it."


"Oh, you adjust with time. It really is tough saying good-bye though. Oh, and missing out on those special moments, like the first smile-I missed that one."
"You must have a fabulous person taking care of him."
"The best-really the best." Suddenly the baby in her arms cried, she gently cooed in his ear and his cries were quieted.

"Your son is still a baby, I didn't realize that. How old is he?"
"He would be the same age of your son, three months the day after tomorrow."
"Would be? I'm not sure I understand."
"Yes, would be. My son died just before he was born."
"But I thought you said someone was caring for him?"
"Someone is, God."

Author unknown
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Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she would not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her lice but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I…I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell ran, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara…let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers. "Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right her, all over again." She said as she gently tapped her chest. "Uhh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh…she just left with no flowers!"

"Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special…I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?" Exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today." Explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk, "and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for the thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we are afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others." Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk t the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement…twelve thorny, long stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk t the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement...twelve thorny, long stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that problem has taught us."

As Phil aid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life," Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too...fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra

"Nothing." Said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it first."

It read: "Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

By Jennifer Saake, Founder of Hannah's Prayer Ministries
Reprinted with permission © Copyright, 1996
http://www.hannah.org/resources/holiday.htm
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Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all the other special days from April to July (Easter, Memorial Day, graduations, the Forth of July) can cause so much pain. The Parent's Days of May and June serve to remind us of another year of emptiness gone by; emptiness of the womb, of the cradle, of the heart! The other days are child-oriented as well, with Easter bonnets, school holidays, landmark events, picnics, and fireworks. Parent's Days alone may cause enough trauma to make couples want to yell out "May Day! May Day!" (another Spring landmark day) and feel as if we are indeed "going down with the ship" in utter distress. It is easy to let ourselves become depressed and focused on who we are (grieving or unfulfilled parents), or on what we do not have (our children), but there are some strategies to make these highly overrated days more tolerable:

1. FOCUS ON YOUR PARENTS.
If your parents are still living, try to focus the Parent's Days celebrations on them. Ask God to help you be thankful for what you have in your parents rather than dwelling on what you do not have in a child. If you do not have a good relationship with your parents, pray for God to use this year as a time of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration so that healing may begin. If your parents have died, ask God to send a "spiritual mother or father" to you as a friend and mentor in the things of God, then do something in special honor of them.

2. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
What can you really handle? Will attending church on Parent's Days bring you closer to God, or add another brick to your wall of hurt, bitterness, anger, self-pity, sorrow, or pain? If you feel you need to be in church, by all means go! If you feel that attending a services that might focus on the virtues of parenthood could damage your spiritual walk, ask God to show you an alternate way to spend your Parent's Days that will draw you closer to Him rather than pushing you farther away. I know some couples who need the comfort of a church service the most on painful days such as Parent's Days. On the other hand, Rick and I "boycotted" Mother's and Father's Days last year and took those days to do special things together as a couple. For me, sitting in church on those days is too emotionally painful and spiritually damaging. (The same is true of baby showers for me. In three hours at a baby shower, I can temporally damage all the healing and peace God has established over the months and years of infertility.) It is not worth the health of my relationship with God to intentionally expose myself to the temptations of bitterness and self-pity.

3. PLAN AHEAD!!!
The surest way to let a holiday destroy you is to not be prepared. Do you have extended family or friends that you will be sharing these days with? Will you encounter pregnant women, new babies, nieces, nephews, cousins or other children that you may or may not be eager or prepared to see? Yes, it is natural to love a child deeply, and yet be hurt by being around them. Take time to think about the circumstances of these days and do your best to mentally prepare yourself for whatever may come. You cannot know exactly what will happen, who you will encounter, what will be said, or how you will react to every circumstance, but by taking the time to plan ahead, and praying for God's comfort, wisdom, peace, and strength to help you on these special days (and every day), you will be able to relax and enjoy (or at least better survive) whatever these celebrations hold for you. Leave yourself an "out" - a reason or way to leave early or to take a few moments by yourselves away from the crowd. The less "trapped" you fell, the better.

4. TREAT YOURSELF.
Plan something special that does not focus on kids. Go away together for a night. Have a romantic picnic. Reinstitute an old tradition from your courtship, when you were totally enthralled only with one another and the stresses of infertility or the grief of loosing a baby were the farthest things from your mind. If you can't get in the spirit of celebration, keep it low-key, but do something, anything, that is a treat, and make your marriage the priority for just one day without bringing the "baby issue" to the forefront. Our cats are our kids. Every Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, or other gift giving occasion, our furry children present "Mama" and "Daddy" with some little gift.

5. DON'T LET OTHERS RUIN YOUR DAY.
Well meaning friends or family often say the wrong things. You may hear a lot about when you are going to "start your family" (aren't husband and wife a "family"?), or how to get pregnant (vacation, relax, adopt, sexual technique, and so forth). Remember that usually your loved ones are only curious or truly trying to help. It can be painful and frustrating, but try to take the questions and advice in the spirit they were intended. If the situation allows you to politely explain why their words are hurtful, take some of these opportunities to educate your loved ones.

6. LET YOURSELF GRIEVE.
Whether you have conceived a child or not, you do have a valid reason to grieve! God understands your grief! Jesus was "...a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." Isaiah 53:3-4 (NKJV) Before I had experienced miscarriage, I almost envied couples who had miscarried; not that I wanted to share their pain, but for the fact that they had at least experienced a pregnancy, however brief, and that they had the knowledge of a child awaiting them in Heaven. I felt guilty for feeling that way, realizing that I would never wish to achieve a pregnancy only to have my baby die, but I envied them their grief, for at least they seemed to have a valid reason to grieve in their loss. Let me assure you that INFERTILITY is a valid reason for grief. Allow yourself the tears without guilt! Grieve the death of your plans, hopes, dreams, and the death of your innocent acceptance that a baby "just happens." Every cycle that passes without achieving pregnancy is another "death" that must be faced. Rather than feeling that you are not parents, it may help to think of yourselves as "unfulfilled parents," "waiting parents," or "parents-at-heart." Now, on the other side of things, I must admit that there is a measure of joy and comfort for me in the knowledge that our Noel awaits us in Heaven. It is a comfort to know that I am a mother and no one will ever be able to take that title away from me now. Let me also tell you that I didn't have any idea how painful miscarriage could be. Even if no one else acknowledges your pain, you have a right to grieve! You have a right to name your child, to talk about your baby, and to memorialize your baby in some way. Do not let your dead child become an idol, but let yourself express your grief. Ask God to help you find a healthy way to commemorate the gift of the child He granted you for such a short time (only 17 days in the womb for us). I find great comfort in keeping a journal about my thoughts of Noel and my journey through infertility. Others have held memorial services for their children (even years after the fact). We also would be happy to print a memorial like this one for your baby here in "Hannah to Hannah." IN LOVING MEMORY OF - Grace or Grason Emlet, miscarried October 11, 1993, your name was chosen in reminder of God's grace. IN JOYFUL CELEBRATION OF - Corrie Anna Emlet, born December 16, 1995, named after Corrie Ten Boom and Anna the prophetess, Luke 2:36-38 - Bill and Yvonne Emlet have been dealing with infertility for about 10 years. A failed adoption attempt deserves a time of morning as well. Even among the infertility circles, those who loose a child by way of an unsuccessful adoption attempt seem to get left out. Watching dear friends go through a failed adoption this past week, after great emotionally investment and thinking they would be holding their baby by the Parent's Days, I realize even more fully that loosing a child in a serious adoption attempt is as devastating as loosing a child to death. What make it even harder, in a sense, is the inability to memorialize the child who is not dead, but goes on to live with his birth mother or another family.

7. GIVE IT TO GOD (AGAIN).
This is the most important advice I can give, and the hardest to follow. Daily (often by the hour or minute) I must recommit my desire for a child to God. The hurt is too BIG for me to deal with alone; praise God that He is a BIG GOD!!! I realize now that all those times I thought I was committing the "baby issue" to God before Mother's Day '94, I was bringing my heart-ache to Him, but I was never fully relinquishing my right to my pain. I wanted to still have some control. "In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord... My soul refused to be comforted... I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed." Psalm 77:2-3 I was afraid to fully trust God lest He keep me from ever being a mother. It was only in letting go of my "right" of motherhood, that my Heavenly Father could show me that He knew what it was like to be childless when His only Son died for my sake! God does more to bring children into His family than we ever will in ours!

Other Parents' Days ideas include:
~ send a card of encouragement to an infertile friend
~ sponsor a needy child from another country
~ do things with other childless couples
~ volunteer at a retirement home
~ get a pet


© Copyright Jennifer Saake, 1996.
Surviving "Parent's Days": 101 was first published in the Spring 1996 issue of Hannah to Hannah..
Hannah's Prayer Ministries: Christian Support for Infertility, Pregnancy
Loss or Early Infant Death - www.hannah.org

By Lisa V. Peterson lrvp67@yahoo.com reprinted with permission
Our story
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As I look back upon the ways my husband and I reconnected after the loss of our third son, Luke, I thought of how far apart we were and the one thing that we were told and kept coming back to me, the one thing that I think helped us through. Men and women grieve differently. My Doctor, the nurses and the Chaplain told us both this countless times while at the hospital. At the time, I was too lost in my own grief to understand how important this statement would become.

Our son, Luke was born silently on May 30th, 2002, on his daddy's birthday. We were unable to get any answers as to why Luke died, at 36 weeks gestation, but he has had such a huge impact on our lives. Luke taught me some important life lessons, I just wish I didn't have to learn them the way I did. As awful as it was to lose my son, Luke, I am as thankful that we had him in our lives, he is so loved and missed by all of us. I wanted to share what I have learned.

I am not an expert on marriage. We were two months shy on our tenth wedding anniversary when Luke died and we had shared ups and downs like everyone else. We knew that we would always do what needed to be done to keep our marriage together. We always joke we each other how we are "stuck" and "not getting out of this one". We had made a commitment to stay together and work on our relationship no matter what.

I am also not an expert on loss. We are only 8 months into the loss of our son, so I know we have more lessons to learn. In our marriage, we had been through losses, mainly our grandparents' deaths, but those seemed to be the natural order of life. My husband's younger sister had died the year before, from cancer, while her death was difficult, 23 year olds aren't supposed to die, we also knew that her brain cancer was terminal. Not that this made it any less difficult, but we also knew what we could expect.

Losing a child, was something that was out of the natural order of life and it was definitely not something we were prepared for. I was surprised by other people asking, "how is your marriage" or saying, "you know this could destroy your marriage". I knew we could make it through this, even though at times it seemed as though we were so far apart.

I had a lot of support from family and friends. I found Brief Encounters, I could go and cry, I felt normal around these people who also came to talk about their babies. I had an "email buddy" from Brief Encounters who supported me through some of the darkest hours of my life, someone I didn't even know, who accepted me, my grief and my 5,000 emails. I could talk to them about Luke, what happened, I could cry when I needed too. I wanted everyone to know what happened, I didn't want to someone ask me if I had had the baby yet, I wanted them to know so that I wouldn't have to explain. I could stay in bed all day and just cry, that was accepted by many. And while I wasn't always prepared to hear some of the comments that seemed so insensitive and callous by others, I can look back to that time and know that they just didn't know what to say. I learned what not to say to someone grieving that was for sure.

While I was in a complete fog of grief, not functioning at all, my husband I observed seem to have it all together. Thoughts that he didn't care entered my mind. I watched as he built a beautiful memory box to put items in that belonged to Luke, he built a raised flower bed to plant the rose bushes we were given, he went to work, took care of the boys and me. He finished his "honey do" list in a matter of days, things on that list had been there for months! When he would try to hold me, I would sob, uncontrollably, which I know was so difficult for him to deal with. He hated to see me in pain, and I knew that he wanted to "fix" me. I worried that he wouldn't hold me again, who would want to go through that, every time they showed love or affection? So, I felt alone, like he was able to go on, not realizing that he was grieving too, but he needed to build, pound nails and throw himself into work. He was the only one who stayed "strong" while the rest of us fell apart. Looking back I now know, he was having a hard time and not being able to make things better was extremely difficult.

Our sons were having a hard time. They were angry. They had not only lost their baby brother, but in some ways they lost me, because I couldn't function in everyday life. My father took them to the back yard one day with hammers. The mom in me worried about what they would do to each other! But I watched as they pounded nails in the deck, a way for them to release their anger. They too, grieve in their own way.

The hospital chaplain had given us a wonderful idea on how to reconnect with each other. She suggested that we go away, the two of us for a weekend and remind ourselves of when we met fell and love and why we are still together. To talk to each other and just spend time together. We had never really gone away over night away from our boys before, so this was new to us but welcomed at the same time. We planned our weekend to Cannon Beach and waited for our time together. The week before our weekend, the feelings I was having about going away were so intense, I kept thinking that if Luke were alive, I would never leave a 7-week-old to go away with my husband! Friday came and we headed off to be with each other. We had decided that this weekend was going to be about us. We were driving and talking about what we wanted out of out weekend and then Josh Groban's song, Up to Where You Are, came on the radio, a song we had chosen for Luke's memorial. Needless to say, the tears started and we started to talk about Luke and the decisions we had made. I had been worried that I had made the decision with out asking him about having him cremated, he told me that he felt bad, that he thought he had made the decision with out my input. We talked about things surrounding Luke, things we would have done differently, things, we wish could change. After we talked about Luke, we decided it was time for us. We spent the weekend together, doing things we enjoyed, explored and truly reconnected. I felt like a different person when we returned, I felt as though we were different but we were together and I knew that we would make it through. Since that time, we have still worked on us and we still grieve for our son each in our own way.

Every now and then, I still need to remind myself that he and I grieve differently. Just recently, I told my husband that it was hard to not hear him say Luke's name or talk about that what happened. He told me something I needed to hear, "it's not that I don't care, I just can't do it the same way you do". I expect that we will grieve the rest of our lives for Luke. Sure, our grief is not the same as it was in the beginning, but I believe that the grief will continue to be something that we will live through and learn to live with. We needed to give ourselves permission, to honor each other in our differences and to respect that there is no "right or wrong" way to grieve, just as there is no time limit on when the grieving stops. When we did this, we were reconnected once again.

by Karen Garner
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After I lost my son, Sam, to SIDS, I felt fragmented, as though I was incomplete. I had no spouse to lean on, to share my load with, to help me walk through the waterfall of grief. I was alone. Even the platitudes of, "At least you and your husband have each other" or "This is the time you and your spouse need to turn to one another" didn't fit. What was I supposed to do now? I didn't know. And worse, there was nowhere to turn for help with this problem. All the literature I came across was geared toward grieving parents, not single parents. I was so jealous of those people who had someone to share their grief with that it stagnated my own grieving process. I could not move beyond the initial stage because I was still searching for someone to share in my loss. I kept searching, looking under every rock, turning over every leaf for an answer, for some reason why I had to go through this alone.

I finally found it.

I can share with other single parents how I survived the devastating loss of my baby. I had fallen victim to the propaganda that a couple, two people, is normal. I believed that after my husband left I was only a partial person, a fraction, that I was missing the vital edges and corners of my life's puzzle. But as I started working through my loss, I began to re-emerge as a whole person. There were several actions I took that allowed me to embrace my singleness, which, in turn, allowed my grief to once again begin its journey.

The first of these actions was allowing others to help. This sounds so simple and trite but was a hard step for me. As a single parent, I had become accustomed to doing everything for my children and myself. Following my son's death, I was so numbed by grief that I could scarcely function. Before I could say it out loud, I had to tell myself that I needed help. Once I convinced myself, the rest became easier. I asked family, friends, and even Sam's daycare teachers for help. While I had initially recoiled from asking because I did not want them to feel obligated or "put out" by my requests, I found that my asking was a relief to those who desperately wanted to help, to do something, but did not know what. They were as worried about encroaching on my space as I was about theirs. Suddenly I had help. I had people to talk to, people who were sharing in my grief. I was not alone, not incomplete.

My second action was to allow myself to be sad, to get upset, and to cry. As single parents we become accustomed to shunting our own feelings to the side for the sake of our child or children. I thought I had to be strong for my daughter's sake. I knew she was confused because suddenly her baby brother was gone, and in an attempt to keep everything as stable as possible, I tried to put on a happy face. Children, however, are more intuitive than we often give them credit for being. My daughter knew something was wrong, knew I was upset, but was scared because she wasn't included. When I realized the effect my façade of happiness was having on her, I began talking to her. I knew she couldn't understand it all; she was only 16 months old. But she understood so many words. She knew what "bye-bye" meant, she knew "brother", and she knew "hug" and "kiss". So when I told her that mama needed a hug because her brother went bye-bye, she knew what I meant. And she gave me a hug. I could tell an adjustment in her attitude right away. She felt she was helping me, that she was now a part of what was happening in her house. I finally understood the importance of allowing myself to express what hurt. Just letting it out, not guarding the flow of the grief, was another step to healing. I had to get out the bad, so that the good could grow.

These next actions occurred in rapid succession. But the pace is not what is important. The important thing is that they happened. I contacted a support group that my obstetrician told me about. Being with other people - not couples, not single parents, just people - helped. I was among others who knew my pain, my heartbreak. I was with people who cared about me as I cared about them and who understood the fragility of new grief.

It was at my first meeting of this support group that I was given the idea of keeping a journal. I found this to be one of the most helpful ideas of all. I was so free in my journal to write whatever came to mind. I could don my hair shirt of self-blame, unleash my anger, hope, pray, wail and gnash my teeth all within the privacy of its covers. It allowed me to wallow when I needed to wallow, to despair when I felt the world caving in, and to tell my story over and over. Over the weeks following Sam's death, I did not feel as though I was making any progress in my grief. I was wrong. I looked back through my journal, all my entries, and I realized just how far I had come. When I began keeping this journal, I assigned a color to each day: black, dark grey, light grey, or white. As I looked back through, I noticed how many days had been black, but I also noticed the increasing number of grey days, and even an occasional white day mixed in. It was encouragement, quite literally, in black and white. I was leaning on myself, sharing my pain with myself, and walking myself through that waterfall of grief.

I also began seeing a therapist. I needed to talk to someone one-on-one about what happened the night Sam died. Not everyone feels comfortable talking to a counselor, and that's fine. I did. I was not looking for absolution, nor was I seeking a secular confessional. I just wanted to talk. She let me. I was able to receive feedback, to get another take on what I was saying and feeling. She was my sounding board. I had to overcome my initial notion that "normal" people don't see therapists. I realized that there is no normal. Everyone is just as normal or abnormal as everyone else; it's just that our areas of normality differ.

My final action was to let myself remember my baby. At first, all I could do was remember, and I wished I could turn that part of me off. But then I began to think how horrible it would be if I suddenly couldn't remember him at all. Despite the urging from some well-intending friends, I did not remove all trace of Sam from my house. I kept things to remember him by: special outfits, pictures, his baby book. I placed several items, such as his pacifier, the outfit he wore the day he died, his baptismal certificate, his birth announcement, and his booties in a shadow box that I hung on the wall. I have his sonogram pictures safely preserved in an envelope. Even though he was very small, and very young, he was an enormous part of my life. It's okay to remember, to say his name, to talk about babies. He is not taboo. Not even to myself.

Although I've been sequential in relating my actions, the order of these actions is not important. What is important is that you take action, that you fight - even when you don't want to - through those initial black days to help yourself reach those days of a lighter color. All of these actions I took helped keep me together when all I really wanted to do was fall apart. As a single parent, I didn't know where to turn for comfort. I ended up turning to myself first, and that allowed me to turn to others. Although Sam is still missing from my arms, he is still present in my life. I no longer feel incomplete. I came to the realization that I may be only one, but one is a whole number.

-- Karen Garner

By Patti Kenney
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Anger is one of the natural phases and emotions of grief. You may find yourself irritated by the platitudes and insensitive clichés people say like, “It’s better now than later,� “At least you have other children,� “You are young, you can have more,� or “God just wanted another little angel.� Friends or family may have withdrawn from your side or seem insensitive and lack understanding thinking you need to “move on�. Your spouse or significant other probably is not grieving like you are or the way you expect them to. Trivialities you always use to let roll off your back, seem glaringly larger than before. No one can do anything right. You may be angry at the doctors or nurses because of an error that caused your baby’s death, or not sharing the whole truth with you, or for a cold bedside manner. You may find yourself outraged toward mothers who do drugs during pregnancy and undeservedly have a healthy baby that they are incapable of caring for. You can’t even begin to comprehend how some parents can abuse their children or even find it difficult to tolerate parents who just simply get frustrated with their children. You may be beating yourself up emotionally for not going to the hospital sooner, or with all the unanswered, “What if…’s?�. Most people who have lost a child find themselves at some point angry towards God. “How could He let this happen? Why? I don’t deserve for my child to die, I don’t do bad things. I wanted this child sooo much, and would have provided a good home.� No matter where your anger is directed or how it manifests itself, it needs to be addressed and dealt with.

If you keep it in, and bottled up, it will lash out when you least expect it. I remember having many irrational thoughts that stemmed from my anger after my son died. If you harbor it, it will harden you and make you bitter. So how do you deal with it? Let us see how Asaph dealt with it in Psalm 73.

But as for me, I came so close to the edge of the cliff! MY feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite of their wickedness. They seem to live such painless life; their bodies are so healthy and strong... “Does God realize what is going on?� they ask. “Is the most High even aware of what is happening?� Look at these arrogant people---enjoying a life of ease…Was it all for nothing that I kept my heart pure and kept myself from doing wrong? All I get is trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain.
Do you ever feel that way, “It is not fair! Why me? What did I do?� Sounds like Asaph felt that way too, he recognized those feelings and got them off his chest by writing them down and expressing them in this psalm.
Then Asaph continued... “So I tried to understand why…but what a difficult task it is!� It seems as though we are born with the thought that we have the fundamental “right� to know “why�, and the “right� to be in control of our lives. And when we loose control or don’t have the answers to “why?� our world feels like it is swept out from underneath us. Did you know that we were never promised that “right�? Bruce Wilkerson gives a great illustration of this in “Secrets of The Vine�...

I took our son David [when he was very young] to the hospital for a shot. As the doctor approached with needle in hand, David bolted. When I finally corralled him behind a planter and swung him up into my arms, I saw the terror in his face. How can you explain to a sick toddler that his body needs penicillin? Yet David stayed in my arms as the doctor prepared to give the injection. When the moment came, David didn’t push me away. Instead, he held on to me more tightly and cried out, “Daddy!�
You can see from an adult perspective that Bruce was acting out of love for his son and what was best for him, though the answer to “why?� was beyond his little son’s comprehension? So it is many times in our relationship with God, it is beyond us. I am not saying that your child’s death is what’s best for you, but what I am saying is that t he “whys?� are many times outside of our grasp. How are you responding to the heartache of your baby’s death? Are you pushing God away, like Bruce thought his son would? Or in spite of the pain are you clinging to God even tighter, even though you may not understand “why�?
I know that I struggled and was angry at God because He had allowed my son to die. I searched for reasons and didn’t get them. I remember diving head-long into reading books and articles on grief to justify and wallow in my pain. I remember the Lord breaking through when I finally laid my pain and anger out before Him. He let me vent, but then He gently showed me that I could choose to follow my pain and grief and spiral inward into depression and get stuck there or I could follow Him to find true healing. He showed me that I needed to not only embrace Him but also embrace His truth; you shall know the truth AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. As Beth Moore shares in “Breaking Free� My Truth + His Truth = Freedom, where My Truth + Lies = Bondage. So being honest before God was a first step.

Pour out our heart and frustrations, disappointments and confusions; be real and honest before Him, even if it is anger towards Him. He knows where our heart is; you don’t need to keep it from Him. He can handle it. He is bigger than your anger. It is like a child who is angry with her father, and is pouting and not speaking to him. He knows she is angry, that is no secret. But because he loves her, all he wants is for her is come to him and talk about it and bring it out into the open. He wants the two of them to talk, for him to shed light into her understanding, and to restore their relationship. It can’t be done until she honestly acknowledges her anger toward him to open the lines of communication again. That’s what your Father, God, also desires. Come to Him, be real, give Him all the hurt, and let it go. He can handle it much better than we can. Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.� Matt 11:28-30. Let Him speak the t ruth to you and touch your heart. He is the healer of the broken hearted, but He can’t heal it if you don’t give Him the pieces.

So it was for Asaph in Psalm 73, and that is where Asaph’s focus changes…

“Then one day I went into Your sanctuary, O God...Then I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant---I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You. Yet I still belong to You; You are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with Your counsel leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on the earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow week, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever...But as for me, how good it is to be near You God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do!
It is best to be near God, in His presence. That is where we gain true perspective and receive His gentle healing. May we, in the same way as Bruce’s little son, trust our Father and cling to Him even when it hurts.
If you want to further dig into a helpful Bible Study, that will help with anger and bitterness, check out Lord, Only You Can Change Me by Kay Arthur

By Rebecca Buess, 2004

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“How many kids do you have?� This is the question I dread. Do I say one because of Caleb or do I say two because I had a miscarriage early in pregnancy? What should I say? What should you say? I know both babies were real, but holding one and not the other makes me feel I never met him or her. Both babies mean the same and are precious in God’s sight. I just shared more with one than the other. So since I can’t hold either of my babies does that mean that I am not a Mother? What makes a mother?

A Mother is someone who loves with all her heart, who would stay up all night and all day if it would help her child. She cleans wounds and fix’s boo-boo’s with just a single kiss. She has eyes in the back of her head so she can see what her child is doing. She would give her all and so much more just to keep her child safe from harm. Whether you can hold your child or not, you know that you love them with all your heart; though you may not be able to touch them, they are not that far away.

When I started writing this article I thought “How can I tell anyone how to feel or how to deal with Mother’s Day when I myself have a hard time?� I do get sad and I do cry, and then I remember that Caleb wouldn’t want his Mommy to cry on her day. No matter how I may feel about my babies not being here, they really are always in my heart.

Every year I try to do something to validate my babies on their birthdays and on Mother’s Day. Last year I planted Azaleas. I planted two, one for each of them. I told no one, not even my husband (although I think he really knows why they were planted). Another thing I do is wear a May birthstone ring. It is Caleb’s birthstone and was my Mother’s Day ring for his first birthday. You can have a piece of jewelry that is special. You could also have a piece of ribbon that is special to you from your child’s flower arrangement. Or from that same arrangement, have a corsage made from the same type of flower. If you attend church, wearing something special also helps makes you feel good, even if you don’t tell anyone. So do something special to not only validate your baby but also yourself as a mother.

Happy Mother’s Day to a wonderful Mommy!!!

By Patti Kenney

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When you have experienced the loss of a baby, Mother’s Day is one of the most difficult of all holidays to endure. Many grieving mothers feel that they cannot make it through this day which is such an aching reminder of their empty arms. When our heart is breaking from loss during this holiday do we try to hide our grief and act like everything is all right? Do we assume others can read our minds, and secretly expect them to acknowledge our babies, our pain, and our motherhood? And then are we hurt when they fail to acknowledge us? Many friends and family will actually dodge the issue because it makes them feel awkward. We actually may be on the forefront of their heart, but their fear of hurting us immobilizes them to silence.

When a grieving mother does not plan ahead for this special day, grief may unexpectedly hit her and be overwhelming. Instead, a mother can prepare in attempt to work through her grief and have something to look forward to rather than face the holiday with dread. She can let others know of her desire to be honored as a mother. Many times friends and family just need permission. She can let them know a card or flowers would be a well-received gift. A gift donated to a favorite charity in honor of her baby would be another blessing to her. She can wear a flower on Mother’s Day, or something that has special meaning like a necklace or pin to wear in honor of her baby.

Here are some good suggestions by Clara Hinton from Silent Grief of what you can do on Mother’s Day to validate your loss, remember your baby, and affirm that YES YOU ARE A MOTHER. It will help make your Mother’s Day an enjoyable one.

If church is an especially difficult place to be on Mother’s Day, instead you can decide ahead of time to have a Bible reading and some prayer time perhaps at the gravesite of your child or at a place that holds some particularly fond meaning to you.
Don’t be afraid to deviate from the norm of tradition and make this a day of new beginnings for you. If you cannot bear to be around crowds of people celebrating Mother’s Day, then go on a quiet walk by the sea or take a walk and listen to the many healing sounds of nature.
Perhaps you can make Mother’s Day a time of remembrance—bring the family together and work on a memory box in honor of your child who is no longer with you. Everyone who is willing can contribute a poem, a special writing, a photo, or a story in honor of your child. This will surely bring about many tears, but doing this grief work together can also begin the healing process for everyone involved.
Mother’s Day is a wonderful time to plant a flower or a tree in memory of your child who has died. This is something that will live on and serve as a healing reminder to you in the years to come. Be sure that the plant you choose is appropriate to your climate and has personal meaning.
Now that you have some ideas, make a plan. If you know that being alone on significant days is not good for you. From past experience you have found yourself spiral inward and fall into destructive thoughts or behavior when you are alone. Make arrangements to spend time with a special someone that can be there for you. Tell that person up front, your intent and your need, so that you will be accountable to follow through with what you decide to do so you don’t fall victim to your thoughts. Choose to do something that will make your Mother’s Day a treasured one.
Personally we here at Glory Babies want to validate that in fact YOU ARE A MOTHER, your child just doesn’t happen to be living with you. If your baby/babies lived one day in your womb or many, or if you had the privilege of loving and caring for your baby/babies after they were born, if they have died they now are in heaven waiting for you. Though you are apart YOU ARE STILL THEIR MOTHER. Mother’s Day is for you. Hold that special day close to your heart by honoring your child, grieve the loss, but certainly allow yourself the privilege of being called mother.

Ideas taken from Silent Grief “Getting Through Mother's Day� by Clara Hinton, Apr 20, 2002 © 2002. http://www.silentgrief.com

by Jodi Weaver

So again I want to say, I thank God for "unanswered prayers" because if it had not been for them, my life would have been so much poorer. I still pray that someday we will be able to be parents "for the long haul". I know that I will never again experience a pregnancy, because I have had to have a hysterectomy; but we are still pursuing adoption. I know that if it is not in God's will for us to parent a child again, that He has so many more riches planned for us than we could ever begin to imagine. And my prayer is that I can continue to give GOD all the praise and glory for my faith, my strength, and my LIFE!!

Does that sound familiar? It should. It was the final paragraph of the article "Unanswered Prayers" that is on our website. In March of 2001, when I wrote that article, this was the end of my story. But all of that changed in a heartbeat during one prayer of total surrender.

During the summer of 2001, Tom and I began to feel the pull towards adoption again. To say the least, just the word adoption was enough to put fear in our hearts, but we felt that it was something we needed to look into again. I started doing research on the internet, but I was just half-heartedly looking. Once again, the cost was enough to put me off. Then one day I was talking to a friend and she asked me the question that I had been asked a hundred times before. "Why don't you adopt?" My answer was the same as it had always been. "We can't afford it!" She looked at me and with one sentence, sent me into a tailspin. "No, but God can!" I felt as if I had been physically slapped. I prided myself on my faith and how God had seen me through all the trials in my life, and yet I did not trust Him with this? I just stood there staring at her and finally said, "Your right." I walked away and needed to process what had just happened.

In December, I sat down and wrote a letter to send out to all of our family and friends, instead of Christmas cards. In this letter we dealt with a couple of things. Below are excerpts from that letter.

"The Lord has really convicted us that we are not giving Him the opportunity to give us the child of our dreams. No we cannot afford the cost of an adoption, but HE can. So with this in mind, we have decided to take a HUGE leap of faith and start the adoption process with an agency. We are still searching for the agency that He has for us, but I know that we will find it when the timing is right.

The other issue that the Lord has been dealing with us on is including all of you. For several years now we have had loved ones tell us, "I would give anything to help you get a baby". The Lord has made us realize that "it takes a community to raise a child" and we have been cheating all of you out of a blessing that He has planned for you as well. We have not given you the chance to help us get a baby.

We know that without God and without all of you, this dream is impossible. But with God and with all of you, it WILL become a reality."

We set up an adoption fund and took that leap of faith. Then on December 31st, we had a special prayer service at our church. Tom and I went to the altar and laid our desire to be parents there at His feet and left it with Him. My prayer went something like this "Lord, I know that you are able to accomplish this thing that concerns us today, so I am laying our desire to be parents at Your feet. If You want us to adopt, You will have to do it and do it in such a way that no one can ever doubt that this is from You."

On January 6th Tom and I met with some friends for lunch. While we were talking she handed me a magnet and said "I don't know why, but we were pulling out of the driveway and I made him stop so I could go in and get this off our refrigerator. I just felt that I needed to give it to you." When I looked at it, I noticed that it had the information for an adoption agency out of Little Rock, Arkansas. I put it in my purse and continued talking. The next day, I kept thinking about it and took it out and laid it on my desk at work. On Tuesday, January 8th I could not ignore it any longer. I felt such a compulsion to contact them. I can't even describe it. So I picked up the phone and called the agency. A lady named Debbie answered and when I asked if she would send me some information about the agency she said that she would, but wanted to ask me a few questions. One of the first questions she asked was "What kind of baby are you looking for?" ---WHAT?! I couldn't believe it! It's not like we were shopping for a car or something!---"The child God has for me" was my response. She explained that all couples had this set vision in their head about the baby they wanted. I told her that I didn't have any set expectations or visions. I wanted the child God wanted me to have regardless of sex or race or anything. I stated that I knew that if it was God's will for us to adopt, then He would supply that child. She then asked me how we felt about a baby that might have some special needs. When I asked what she meant she said, "Well, what if the mom was a drug attic that continued to use during the pregnancy?" I told her about my special education background and then told her, "Debbie, I have been pregnant 4 times and never once did I ask for or expect God to give me any kind of guarantees that I would have the perfect baby. Why would I expect that from an adoption?" There was total silence on the other end of the phone. Finally, Debbie said, "You are the answer to my prayers". She went on to tell me about a birthmom and her baby girl she was pregnant with. It seems they had presented this birthmom to 15 different couples that just couldn't take the chance that there would be something wrong with the baby. After an hour on the phone, we had been matched with this birthmom and we had never even filled out an application.

Things moved pretty quickly after that. The next night in choir, I told them that we really needed their prayers, because we had an opportunity to adopt a baby girl, but we needed to come up with about $18,000 in a hurry. The next morning, when I spoke with Debbie she told me that we needed to sign a contract and needed to pay $6,000 by Monday. We had all of $456 at this time. I went into the office of my friend Karen and told her what I needed. She said, "We know that this is the baby God has for you and that He already has the money waiting for us, we just have to find it. So we are going to pray that He will just show us where it is." So she prayed with me there in the office. Debbie called me later in the day to see how it was going and at that time we had $4000. She told me that one of the couples, that had said no earlier had called and said they had changed their minds and were interested in the baby. She said she knew that we were the parents God had for this baby, but without the contract and the money there was nothing she could do to make sure the other couple didn't get picked. It was now about 4:00 and when I hung up the phone, I started praying "Lord, I know You are in control of this situation. Please help us to come up with the rest of the money that we need and do it in such a way that the owners of the agency can have no doubts that this is Your will and that You are in control." I had barely said amen, when my phone rang again and it was Tom. He told me that our banker had called him back and although they did not do adoption loans, he had found a way to loan us $10,000. WOW talk about answered prayers!!!! Not only had God supplied the $6,000 that we needed to sign the contract, but He had supplied an additional $8,000 for good measure. The contract was signed and the money was sent on Friday, January 11th, just 12 days after our prayer of surrender where we laid the desire to be parents at Jesus' feet.

Now we just needed to raise the rest of the money. My father made the comment on the first day "There is no way they will ever get that kind of money". By the time it was all over he was amazed at God's provision! We had friends coming up to us with amounts from $5 to $700 saying, "We want to be a part of this blessing!" The people at work organized a garage sale that raised $1500. We just sat back and watched God move and it was wonderful to see. God had also worked in a way we didn't realize or expect. He had not only supplied us with a baby, but He had done it in a state that had totally different laws than Texas. The birth mom was from Tennessee. In that state, the birth mom had to sign the paperwork before the judge and they only had 2 weeks to change their minds, instead of 6 months. We would still have to follow Texas laws about waiting 6 months to finalize, while going through post placement visits, but we knew that the birth mom could not come in and take this baby away from us during that time. The relief was unbelievable!

The pregnancy progressed and I received sonogram pictures in February. It was so weird to look at these pictures and to think that this was going to be my daughter. We received the call on Saturday, March 16th about 3:00 saying we needed to head to Tennessee. So Tom, my Mom and I all jumped in the car and headed out. We were on our way there when we received the call that she had been born and was doing great. By Tennessee law the birth mom must name the baby, so she was named Angel. Though we named her JoAnna Ruth, we liked the fact that her "birth name" was Angel because she was definitely our little Angel! Finally on Tuesday we were allowed to take her "home" from the hospital. Of course "home" for us was a hotel room for the next couple of weeks. We were amazed at how perfect this precious baby was. She went through some pretty bad withdrawals the first few days, but that was the only outward sign of any problems.

We discovered another way that God worked in this adoption, although we didn't see it until she was almost 11 months old. We were getting very frustrated because we couldn't seem to get all the paperwork in order so that we could go to court here in Texas and finalize the adoption. When my friends and family would start worrying and asking about the delay, I would always respond the same way "God gave her to us in His timing and He will complete it in His timing!" and I truly believed that. Finally, we had a court date set for February 14th. We were going to get our sweetheart on sweetheart's day. During the night of the 13th , I was praying and praising God for His wonderful gift and asking Him to make sure everything went smoothly. I "heard" an almost audible voice say to me, "Don't worry! Don't you know what today is?" I tried to figure out what the significance of the day could be other than Valentine's Day and then it hit me. JoAnna was 2 days away from being 11 months old. What is the big deal you ask? When we were ordered by the judge to give Joseph back to his birth parents it was 2 days before he was 11 months old. It was as if God was showing me just how much He was in control. I felt the greatest peace after that. Nineteen years and 8 months after my first miscarriage, God had officially given me my daughter. The adoption was final and she was now our daughter for life. GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!

God answered my prayer to become a mother. It was a long 20-year battle with a lot of heartache, but every step along that road made me the person and the parent that I am today. If there is one thing that I would like to impart to people reading my story it would be this "Don't ever sell God short! He is more than able to accomplish the concerns of your heart, but it will be in His timing and in His perfect will!" I had to finally accept that I would never be a parent and totally release that desire to Him before He could do the awesome work in my life that He wanted to do. One thing that I would like to say to those considering adoption is never go into adoption with the attitude that this is the last resort but rather that "Adoption is God's perfect choice, not our second choice!!!"

Dear papa and perter,

i hope you or havely a good time with God and if you see st. luke tell him that i seid hollo a fine and nice time

Love Luke
(2nd grader)


Dearest Sweet Prince,

We have missed you a whole year now! We have missed all the cuddling and holding, the giggles and silly things the 'big kids' would have done to get your attention and make you laugh. Keep up your guardianship over us as you intercede before His Throne on our behalf. Saint Peter o'Brien... Pray for us!

Love and Kisses,
Mom, Dad, Jack, Madeline, Luke, Paul and Erinrose

by Betty Browning
Reprinted with permission
written in memory of my precious little angel, John Cody Tadlock 01/30/78 - 10/17/78 and that under no circumstances may this article be sold.
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How should I feel? You tell me I should get over it and move on. You ask me to not talk about it because it makes you uncomfortable. You tell me talking about it is morbid and unnatural. You tell me talking about it only keeps the wound open and I should forget. The list goes on and on about how YOU think I should feel.

I have questions for you. Jesus died on the cross, should we get over that and move on? Who would we follow if we did that? Should we not talk about Jesus because his humanly body died on the cross; does that make you uncomfortable too? Is talking about Jesus morbid and unnatural because he was someone’s son too? Do you think God should forget his son too? Do you think we should quit talking about Jesus and forget him too?

Why should I have to forget my son, who by the way is in heaven with Jesus. Of that I have absolutely no doubt. My son had a spirit that will live forever. The big picture of all of that has only name I can think of. It is called love. If you allow it, you too can feel the love of Jesus if you only open you heart to it.

Back to how I should feel, I feel filled with love and thankfulness. For many years I could not feel anything at all. My precious angel had been ripped from my arms and I felt empty; I had an indescribable ache in my arms; a longing to want to hold my child. But now, after untold anguish, I know my son is safe in Jesus’s arms and I am at peace. My humanly arms still ache and remember the sweetness of his touch; but his spirit will live forever in my heart (my soul). I had always prayed that God would give my child the best of everything and to guide me in giving him that. It took me a long time to understand God had answered my prayers.

I will forever miss my child; will forever grieve him. Tears will remain just beneath the surface for all eternity. After 25 years of grieving, those tears have changed from a heart wrenching cry to the gentleness of a precious memory that bring me such a love that fills my soul. Those tears spill each time I hear of another mother who will travel this long road I have been down; and I pray she someday will find this peace I have come to.

For you, I forgive you because I know you cannot possibly understand this pain. I pray each day you remain clueless and never suffer this loss.

For all the mothers out there who know what I am talking about; my heart goes out to you. I wish I could bare the pain for you; I wish it would stop hurting; but it won’t. I pray you allow Jesus into your heart. Just as your journey to allow Jesus into your soul is one only you can accomplish, so is the road to discovering that your child is not really dead; but will reside forever in your heart. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what we have and once you see the blessing in it, you will be filled with a deeper love than you ever dreamed possible.



Peace be with you. ~ Betty

by Jennifer Carson
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I had a friend say to me when our son Braden died, “How can you believe in a loving God who would take away your baby?� I told him, speaking for my husband and I, that we had never felt more loved in our whole lives. God extended His loving arm to us through so many different people. We were overwhelmed by His love and His grace in such a difficult time.

August 3rd would have been Braden’s 4th birthday here on earth. It has historically been a difficult week for me. In light of that, I decided to go away this year and spare my family the exposure to my emotional turmoil. I had the opportunity to attend a National Women’s Convention in Chattanooga, Tennessee and decided to go. Once again, God met me where I was and brought me to a totally new level of experiencing His unconditional love.

Prior to this past weekend, I was at peace with God’s plan for Braden’s life, even though I didn’t like it. I trust Him completely with control over my life. He has provided for me time and time again in the past and proven His faithfulness. However, there wasn’t a whole lot of joy in me. How can you have joy when you have personally experienced such pain and loss? How many times have I said, “Nothing in this world matters to me any more. The only thing that matters is getting to Heaven and taking as many people with me as I can.� What about the abundant life the bible talks about through having a relationship with Jesus Christ? Does that not apply to people who have suffered so greatly?

Yes, it does and I found it this past weekend. I have done Precept upon Precept Bible Studies for almost eight years. Kay Arthur is the teacher and her studies have transformed my life. She led the convention this weekend. I was so moved by one of her presentations that I longed to “go to lunch� with her to tell her what she has meant to me. As the thought overwhelmed me with emotion, I realized something so life changing. It has very little to do with her. It has everything to do with God! He loves me so much that He has provided for me and met me where I was so much over the past eight years. He has loved me beyond my wildest imagination, when I haven’t deserved any of it! Once again, I am overwhelmed with His unbelievable goodness and unfathomable love. It fills every ounce of my being with joy! As I left the convention and headed home, I had a new song in my heart... “The joy of the Lord is my strength!�

That’s great for me, but what about for you? If you have suffered the loss of a child, you are hurting beyond belief. You feel alone, forgotten and empty, and thirsty. May I suggest that you put yourself in God’s presence. James 4: 8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you�. I long to cup your face in my hands and tell you how much Jesus loves you too! In John 4 , the woman in the story is going to the well to fetch water. Instead she meets Jesus. He tells her He is the Living Water and anyone who comes to Him shall never thirst again. That is my prayer for you. That you would put yourself in God’s presence, through personal bible study and prayer, and allow God to fill those empty recesses in your soul. He is the only answer to the pain you are suffering!

If you would like suggestions on a bible study, please contact us at glorybabies@childrenareagift.com or call 903-939-1597.

By Pam
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Pretty in pink. That's how Craig and I looked my first mother's day. I was five months pregnant, having thought I'd worked through my apprehension about being pregnant, and Craig's mother had sent us matching pink shirts. One of my first real maternity shirts! One year later there weren't enough Kleenex to wipe away the tears as I listened to a wise woman tell me that even though I didn't have a child in my arms didn't mean I wasn't a mother. Those words didn't make me feel better at the time. We had lost our first son Zackery seven months earlier to the price of birth trauma. There were no other children to divert my attention to, Craig had developed the notion that since I wasn't his mother he didn't need to acknowledge mother's day in the first place, and beaming mothers wearing corsages and relishing in the love of their children surrounded me. With the faithful Kleenex in hand, I spent my first mother's day playing our last minutes with Zack over and over in my mind. Embracing our son as his life slipped away and then, doing the hardest thing I've ever had to, laying him back down in the isolette and walking away.

How could I ever find happiness again? How could I possibly ever stop hurting? How could my broken heart ever mend? How could I ever forgive myself for not being able to do the one thing a woman was supposed to be best at, having healthy babies? How could I ever forgive my own mother for being unable to give me the comfort I needed and requiring comfort from me instead? "Unfortunately my questions weren't answered until many unhappy years later when I discovered the only way to answer them and become a whole person again was to forgive. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I had made in the past that kept me from accepting Christ's forgiveness and realizing Zackery wasn't taken because God was punishing me. He'd forgiven me years earlier the very first time I cried out in anguish begging for forgiveness. I had to forgive myself for not being a "woman" and God himself by recognizing that God didn't take Zackery. God was chastely loaning him to me to open my eyes and heart to His mission. I had to forgive my mother for not being there for me and for not being the mother I wanted her to be.

Having other children helped me to grasp that the little boogers don't come with instruction manuals so you have to punt and do the best you can. Punting required me to analyze the lessons I'd learned from my own parents. Newsflash!!! We all run from the haunt of ghosts in our past; getting rid of them requires a different timetable for each of us. What an eye opener! Gosh those life lessons can really be a blow!

Phew, it was a long journey but I can finally say that Mother's Day is now a day of joy for me. I now cherish the memories of Zack's final moments of life thankful that I at least had moments that others do not get. The death of a loved one who knows Christ is joyous because I know they are holding my precious son until I join him in heaven and can hold him again. Those wonderful, beautiful love-made gifts from my boys are accepted with tears of joy now instead of tears of anguish. I can finally place my arms around my mother and I truly mean the words "I love you" when I say them. But most of all I now believe, with all my heart, the promise God gave us by way of a little prayer bear. Psalm 91:11 - For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone…"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him, for he acknowledges my name."

Contact Pam at Pam@childrenareagift.com

by Patti Kenney
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As winter melts away and new life starts bursting forth in the trees that once looked so barren, and the green fields of grass with their colorful wild flowers, we are reminded that winter does not last forever! Spring has come! And with spring, Easter is right around the corner. What a promise Easter holds for us. It's not about bunnies and eggs but about resurrection life. That first Easter two centuries ago, came after a very dark hour for Jesus' followers. For the past three years they poured their lives into following the One they thought was the Savior, and now he was dead! Their lives had to have come crashing down. All their hopes and dreams and all they had been living for suddenly gone. In the midst of their desperate loneliness, little did they know that Sunday morning was coming, with all it's hope, life, and transforming power that changed these cowering followers to be mighty courageous leaders that would turn the world upside down with the most wonderful message ever---Jesus, the Son of God, has conquered death and the grave!

So it is for us, those who have recently experienced losing a baby, our lives have shattered in the midst of enduring this horrific loss. Our dark hour will not last forever! Sunday morning is coming! If you walk through it with Christ, He will bring Resurrection Life out of it. Don't ask me how He does it but He does. In God's economy things don't line up like we think they should, usually it is the opposite. "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it."---Matt 16:25. If we try to grasp on to it we'll lose it in worry, stress, depression, etc, but if we let go and surrender the very thing we are trying to hold on to, to His care, we will find life, new life. Beth Moore wrote in one of her Bible Studies, "Many believe that 'acceptance' of death is grief's the final stage, but if we are in Christ, the final stage has not yet come until we allow God to bring forth resurrection life."

In John 11 we see Martha and Mary, whom Jesus loved, sending word to Jesus that their brother Lazarus is sick. They did what they knew to do---call on the Lord, certainly He could do something. After hearing this news Jesus stayed away another two days! (He saw the big picture). I would be thinking, "But why Lord, we need you now!" In that period of waiting Lazarus dies!

So there is Mary and Martha morning the death of their brother, without the Lord there, though they sent for him. Isn't that the way it feels sometimes, "Where are you Lord?" in the midst of such overwhelming pain? When Jesus arrived, Martha went out to meet Him. In all honesty the first thing she says when she sees Him is, "Lord, if you would have been here, my brother would not have died." How alone and helpless she must have felt in her hour of need. And Jesus response goes right to the heart of the matter, "I AM the Resurrection and the Life… do you believe this?" In the midst of her grief and despair she had to choose to cling to Him regardless of how dark her circumstances were, or turn from Him. She chose to take hold of the little faith she had left and sincerely replied, "Yes Lord, I believe… You are the Christ… the Son of God." And out of that moment when she held on to the only thing that matters---Jesus---then He did a miracle, He brought forth Life out of death. The Lord wants us to embrace Him, even when things seem the darkest, and out of that He will bring Life. It is always darkest before the dawn. We have a promise in the Psalms, "Though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning."

Contact Patti at patti@childrenareagift.com

By Jodi Weaver & Patti Kenney

Happy Thanksgiving...Merry Christmas . ..Happy New Year...! We will be hearing these clichés a lot over the next two months and we will often find ourselves wanting to say "What's there to be happy about?" or "What is there to be thankful for?" The months of November and December are typically the hardest for parents who have lost a baby or child to get through. There is so much cheer and so many festivities surrounding us, we just want to scream and tell the world to "STOP!" When all we want for Christmas is our baby. Among the holiday masses and "joy of the season" this time of year can be very lonely. It is easy to desire rejecting every part of the season. Relentlessly, no matter how we feel, the holidays will come at their usual scheduled date, as well as birthdays and anniversaries dates. We can't stop them. However, with a little thought and preparation, we can get through the time from Thanksgiving to New Year's in a productive and valuable way.1 Remember that usually the days before the dates are typically harder than the actual day. Here are some strategies that may be helpful to help you survive the Holidays:
Plan Ahead--- It's okay to do something totally different and change your tradition It could be for just this year or you may find you want it to be a new tradition for every year. You may want to keep it small and be with your close immediate family for dinner and then get together with relatives for dessert, or you may feel a need to be at the extended family gathering rather than facing it by yourself.1 If you usually attend a particular church service, you may want to choose a different one this year. You may decide to go and serve a holiday dinner at a homeless shelter, to reach out to someone else and get your focus off yourself and on to others who are in need.2 You may want to change where you eat your holiday dinner, have it at a different time or choose a different menu. You may want to exchange gifts at a different time or day. You may even decide to go away for the holidays.3
Accept Your Limitations---Grieving is exhausting. The holidays will place additional demands on your time and emotions. You don't have to participate in everything that takes place. Let others do the activities you normally have done but feel incapable of this year. Lower your expectations and commitments. Give yourself space and time for regrouping and for yourself. A lack of concentration is part of grief. A daily list may help remind you of things and make shopping easier. Make it out the night before or in the morning. Try to do your holiday shopping on less busy days, as early in the day as possible. Ask a friend to go with you to help shop, as decisions can be difficult when grieving.3 You may want to entirely avoid the hustle and bustle of the merry shoppers at the crowded malls and department stores. You may consider doing your shopping online or through a mail-order catalogs.
Inform Others of Your Needs---Give family and friends the understanding they need to help you through the holidays. They probably won't know if you don't tell them. Let them know that your child's absence is glaring to you when the "whole family" gathers, it seems to emphasize the incompleteness of your immediate family.3 Let them know this season will be difficult, that you will need their support and grace with the decisions that you make even if they don't make sense to them. You may consider sending out a letter similar to the one on page 2 of our November newsletter. It may help break the ice. Family and friends probably will hesitate to mention your baby's name for fear of "spoiling" Christmas for you. Give them permission to bring up your baby's name3.
Be Prepared for Insensitive Remarks---Some sincere friends & family who do not want to watch you suffer, may try to hurry you through your grief. Others may give you unwanted counsel on what you should or shouldn't do. As Jo Ann Taylor put it "Don't let people 'should..' on you. Things like: 'You should put up a tree', 'You should go see your parents', 'You really should get out more.'"2 Don't let anyone "bully" you into feeling guilty because you are not up to doing things the way they have "always been done".
Include Your Child----Many parents find it important to symbolically remember their child on these special days in a special way. An ornament for your tree or a stocking with his or her name on it is a possibility. Set a place at the table for your child. And when the dinner begins, light a candle in your child's place. Decorate your child's grave with holiday items.1 For some, the greatest comfort comes from doing something for others. For example, giving a gift in memory of your child to "Toys for Tots" or an angel tree program. Donate the money you would have spent on your child's gifts to a particular charity. Adopt a needy family. Buy a poinsettia and donate it to your church in memory of your child. Some have also found that attending a special Memorial service that remembers their child is very healing during the Holidays.1 All of these are very constructive ways to remember and honor your child.
If you Have other Children At Home--- Carol Ruth Blackman stated "Children view celebration of special days as evidence that their happiness is still important to their parents, that they are loved, and with hope that their family stability will return. Birthdays and holidays are significant occasions for children that bring heightened expectations that their family will demonstrate their love for them. Grieving children need to know they are valued and special. Many feel they are not as valued as the one who died since their sibling's absence has caused the parents so much sadness and pain. Because grief can cause parents to be emotionally out of focus towards remaining children, sometimes the only feeling conveyed is pain, so the remaining child(ren) may feel abandoned or rejected. Be sure to spend time with them assuring them through words and actions of your love. Rather than buy extravagant gifts for children, give them extra time and attention as nothing purchased can replace the loss in their lives. You might want to create a special card for your living child, listing why they are so special and reassuring them of your love, maybe include some special reminisc-ing. Explain that your grief doesn't lessen your love for them. Be careful you don't hold an idolized image of your deceased child as your other children will feel overwhelmed, knowing they can't measure up. Don't dampen your remaining childrens' ability to enjoy themselves by spending the day reminding everyone of the deceased child. Let your living children have their place in the sun. This is not betrayal towards your deceased child."3
This will be the forth Christmas for Jodi since her twins, Isaac and Jacob, were born. She says in many ways it gets easier---the key here is the "er", but in others it seems to get harder. When she shops, she can't help but look at the clothes they would be wearing or toys that they would be playing with, and imagining what it would be like if they were here. There are several ways that she has found to help remember her twins and make it easier for her and her husband. Every year they buy presents for them and wrap them and put them under the tree. They hang a stocking with their name on it. They have a special ornament for the tree for each year. After Christmas, they donate the presents to their church nursery. They always do the poinsettias at the church and try to find a needy child about the twin's age to buy gifts for. No, this is not a perfect solution, and it is not the same as if the twins were here, but it helps Jodi & Tom feel as if Isaac and Jacob are still a LARGE part of their holiday tradition.
Our hope for all of you this Holiday season is that you will do more than just get through. We hope and pray that you will gain comfort and strength in knowing you do not have to forget your baby, but that he or she can be a part of your life during the holidays and always.

(1) Handling the Holidays, by Diane Anthony from Heartline Newsletter Fall 1988, www.preciousparents.org

(2) How to Handle the Holidays, by JoAnn Taylor, Operation Angel http://fly.to/OperationAngel

(3) Holiday Suggestions for Bereaved Parents, by Carol Ruth Blackman [Reprinted from Nov. 1991 Bereaved Parents Share II; revised by Carol 11/95; edited by Hannah's Prayer 1/99] http://www.hannah.org/resources/holiday.htm

by Joanne Cacciatore founder of Mothers in Sympathy and Support (MISS), taken from Dear Cheyenne ( A Journey into Grief, A Collection of Angels & Love, A Celebration of Motherhood). Reprinted with permission. www.missfoundation.org/miss_shop/books.html
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The younger the child/baby, the less intense the pain should be.
Truth: It may be true that society grants us less of a right to grieve for infants, stillborns or miscarried babies, however, the truth is that the love of a parent is not contingent upon the amount of time we had with our child. Love simply cannot be measured in time. Some may try to "prorate" our grief. That is, if a ten-year-old dies, it is worth "x" amount of pain…if a one year old dies, it is worth "y" amount of pain… if a one day old dies, that is worth only "z" amount of pain. It seems ridiculous to bereaved parents, but that is the outlook of some people. We don't necessarily grieve the memories as much as we grieve the future that we will not have with our child.

It has been six months; you should be over this by now.
Truth: The truth is, you will never "be over" this pain. The pain never completely leaves. We will grieve our entire lifetime for the child we should have with us. You get over the loss of a job, or a broken bone, or a friendship gone awry, but the death of a child, at any age and from any circumstance, is a life changing and tragic event that will never be forgotten. You will however, eventually learn the skill necessary to assist you in dealing with the pain and it will become easier to talk about as time goes on.

Sleeping pills, anti-depressants, or alcohol will take all the pain away.
Truth: Some parent who take pills or use alcohol after the death of their child eventually realize that they may have been postponing the inevitable. Grief is hard work, physically exhausting and mentally draining. But I have heard grief compared to a loan. We must all pay back the loan to the rightful owner … eventually. The longer we wait to pay it back, the higher the interest rates and penalties.

Another baby will make you forget.
Truth: Your child's life is worthy of all the pain you feel. While another child will fill your empty, aching arms, it will never replace your other child. Allow yourself time to grieve. Do not rush yourself.

You need to forget your child and go on with your life.
Truth: Many people will ridicule you if you place photographs of your decease child in you home, or still attend support meetings or if you memorialize you child years after his or her death. Your faithfulness to your child's memory should be commended! Do not let others discourage your gift of dedication. Do not let others determine what is right for you. Remember and do not be ashamed.

You will soon be your old self again.
Truth: The truth is that the person you were, probably died with your child. There are remnant pieces of your old self still there, however, you are unlikely to ever be exactly who you were before.

Support Groups are for weak people.
Truth: The death of a child is the most isolating and lonely event in a human's life. Many grieving parents say that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The reason for this is clear. How can any one else possibly understand the depth of your pain if they have never experienced it before? Support groups are a safe haven for parents to go and share the deepest of their pain with others who have experienced the same feelings.

I am going crazy.
Truth: Every parent who has gone through the death of a child feels as if they are crazy. The vast array of emotions can overwhelm us. Many feel emotions they never knew they could feel. It is frightening and shocking. We are on a roller coaster ride. Some days we may be able to laugh and feel joy again. While other days there seems to be a black cloud hanging over us all the time. You aren't crazy. You are a grieving parent, simply missing what was and going to be a big part of your life. Be patient and kind to yourself. While the longing for your child will never disappear, time grants us moments of peace in between the tidal waves of pain. And over time the waves of pain move farther apart and decrease in intensity.

All marriages survive this difficult time.
Truth: Sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Talking it out with others may even save your marriage.

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong. School, family problems, severe health problems, etc... Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which, of course, he does.

"Here, have some cooking oil."

"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple raw eggs? "

"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way. Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

I've been in a slump the last week or so. I left choir practice last week, and though the people there are nice, I still haven't really connected with anyone in particular since moving to that church a few months ago. As I drove back home across the lonely desert, I felt isolated. I missed music practice at my old church, when I would prepare to leave but would hang around the parking lot and talk to good friends for a while. I missed having people ask how I was doing, telling me they still hurt for me, offering shoulders and ears when I needed them. I missed being around people who "knew" Joseph and had been through the experience of losing him with me. There's no one here who feels comfortable talking about him with me yet. I'm hopeful about a couple of ladies, but we still haven't developed the kind of friendships I'm longing for.

I cried on that drive across the dark night last week as I fought the loneliness, and I cried the next day when I found out Vicki had lost her baby. I cried yesterday when I found out that another acquaintance had to let her baby go at 24 weeks gestation - exactly one year since her first daughter was stillborn. I feel myself getting more and more on edge as Joseph's second birthday approaches this weekend. It all seems so wrong, so unfair. It makes me want to say, "God, what are you thinking?"

You know, I'm sure the disciples asked that question, too, as they watched Jesus hang on the cross. It was a horrible thing, a terrible event, and there seemed to be no sense in it at all. Yet, the most awful moment in history also turned out to be the most wonderful. Jesus' brutal, cruel death was the event that saved the world. However, the people standing in the shadow of the cross that day couldn't see that. They could only see an innocent man enduring excruciating pain.

That's the problem with suffering. We can't see it from God's point of view. God knows there's a plan in the pain. Down here in the middle of it, we miss His perspective, the one that sees past the suffering to the benefits. Perseverance, character, and hope just don't seem to be worth it when your arms are aching from emptiness. You'd rather be holding your baby, not struggling to build character. However, we're down here in the shadows. We can't see what's ahead. God can. He's decided it's worth it for us to endure this now, because it means better things down the road. We're talking about someone who loves us enough to let His Son die for us. He isn't just seeing how much we can handle. He loves us too much to toy with us. No, the One who loves us more than any other is looking ahead and sees something worth the pain. He's allowing us to endure this so that one day we can see the prize, too.

It seems awful now, and I'll admit that "why" is a pretty frequent question I ask God, but He sees the good stuff ahead. He has the vision, so He's the one to follow. Hang on through the trials. Go where He's going. He knows the path to where it's worth it all.

There, you won't be disappointed. May God bless you today!!!

A lot of times we don't understand what God is doing in our lives and the circumstances around us don't make sense. In spite of how overwhelming our situation may be He can be our anchor in the storm we can cling to Him. It may seem that our prayers go unanswered, but in fact they are always answered in some way. It may not be the answer we want or expect or in our timing, but God has a plan bigger than we can understand. He knows us intimately and loves each of us with an everlasting love and desires the best for us (Psalm 139:1-12, Luke 12:7). Though He and His purposes may be beyond our understanding, we need to put our trust in Him. His plan is not to harm us but to give us hope and a future (Jer 23:11). It makes me think of the story about baking the cake in the January newsletter:

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong. School, family problems, severe health problems, etc.. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which, of course, he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way. Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"

Releasing your dreams, your baby and your future to the Lord and accepting His plan as the best plan for your life is a huge part of the healing process. Being able to rejoice in the things He has given us, rather than focusing on the things we don't have is when we find joy again.

Heb 11:1 says faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen. What that means to us, even though we don't have our babies with us today, we have hope in knowing they are waiting for us in heaven. And through Jesus Christ we will be able to hold them as we long to today.

If you are struggling with this and understanding God's heart for you and your baby and what you are walking through we do have a Bible study available that you can do. If you are interested contact us at jennifer@childrenareagift.com

By Patti Kenney
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In light of Father’s Day being here and the struggle many may experience as a couple, because of the differences in the way we grieve, this article is dedicated to the grieving father and to enlighten and give understanding to those close to him.
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ANGRY AND INTROVERTED

Culturally, the typical male role suggests that a man needs to be strong, in control, confident, brave, assertive, protective, able to endure pain, and a provider.1 It is not acceptable to show tenderness, softness or tears. This is often stifled out of him in childhood when he is taught to “keep a stiff upper lip� or “be a big boy and don’t cry,� when he is hurt. It continues through adulthood when he is encouraged “You need to be strong for your family.�

The socially allowable emotion for men to express is ANGER. Consequently, a lot of times a man’s grief will surface as irritability, resentment, or outbursts of unreasonable anger. It may be anger targeted at the cause of the child’s death or aimed at his wife because he can’t “fix� her pain. Or his anger may be directed inward at himself because he feels he failed to protect his child that is now dead, to protect his wife from experiencing such anguish, or his sense of loss of control that “Everything is falling apart no matter what I do.� It may be anger at God for letting it happen or with life itself.

When the father has no outlet for his anger, it can build up to the point where it explodes out of him, wounding those closest to him and leaving the mother wondering if he blames her. It may also be interpreted as “coldness� or “lack of caring� by his family and friends. He may express his anger in a more constructive way, like pouring himself into a physical project that he can do alone. He may choose one where he can use a hammer, so he can pound out his frustration and work it out with his hands. These projects give him some satisfaction in that he can accomplish something and have some control on a smaller scale, when life feels so out of control.

Unfortunately, the mother may interpret his withdrawal as “He’s doesn’t care about me. He is not spending time with me, but avoiding me when I need him so much� or “He’s not grieving. Since he doesn’t talk about the baby, he must not care about the baby.�

THINKERS NOT TALKERS

Women, on the other hand, are allowed from birth to express their emotions in a variety of ways rather than bottling them up. In general, women are more likely to express grief more openly than do men, but that DOES NOT mean that men feel grief any less than women do.1 Commonly women are emotional and are talkers. Women, want to talk about it, cry about, face it with all of our thoughts and emotions, work out the details of it, play it over and over, process it, and get through it.

Whereas, men are usually more private and introverted about dealing with such deep emotional issues. They may subconsciously not want to display a weakness, so they process it in solitude where it is safe for them. They may want to withdraw and think about it. Men frequently are more comfortable expressing themselves in what they do, rather than expressing how they feel. So the father may find himself keeping the house or the car impeccably clean, working more or doing projects that he has wanted to do but has put off; like landscaping, gardening, working in the garage, home improvements, or becoming more involved in hobbies or sports. It is their way of working out their grief and it may also serve as a diversion.

FORGOTTEN GRIEVERS AND WORK

Of the bereaved parents, many times fathers are the forgotten grievers. One grief counselor put it this way, "In our society we're allowed three days of grief...just through the memorial service" 2 … and then after that we are expected to move on. Most men return to work right after the funeral because they must continue to provide for the family and because, unlike the wife, there is no physical reason they can’t.

A father may feel isolated at work because his colleagues do not know what to say to him. His co-workers avoid encounters where they may feel awkward, consequently they avoid him. Some men throw themselves into their work with increased intensity, in an attempt to be busy so as to not think about it, and often appear to have it together, but outward appearances often conceal the anguish and turmoil smoldering on the inside. Work can present as a comfortable distraction, as well as be a source of release and refuge back to the familiar routine, but it is not an adequate solution for grief. It can also be very frustrating. A grieving man may find it hard to focus, staring into space, making more mistakes than usual, getting fed up with little irritating things people say and do. 2

The scenario is a set up so that the father is kept from getting the help and support he needs to sufficiently grieve the loss of his baby, while the grieving mother usually gets most of the attention and assistance.1 Friends and family will frequently ask how his wife is doing rather than how is he doing. Some men want to scream, “It was my baby too!�

FIXERS AND PROBLEM SOLVE RS

Men are “fixers� and problem solvers. When they are faced with an obstacle they figure out how to get around it. When something is broken they come up with a way to fix it. They figure out solutions to their problems. If it is not going to help or be a part of the solution, they don’t want to waist time on it.

Now suddenly they are faced with the inability to fix the grief in their family and they probably feel helpless. One father shared how this felt to him, “There was absolutely nothing I could do, other than to watch and pray. I felt like I was watching her drown, but had no idea how to swim toward her.�

Many fathers avoid talking about it because it causes their wives to cry and makes things “apparently� worse. Some fathers feel they must stuff their own sorrow to be able to console and give support. The mother’s crying and sadness can trigger feelings of helplessness and inadequacy in a man. 5 However, attempting to protect the mother from the pain of her grief or trying to distract her from her grief may trigger misunderstanding and resentment on her part. It may imply that he wants her over her grief, 5 making her feel she can’t share it with him any longer or that he doesn’t care.

It may ultimately add to communication problems as a couple. Fathers may not realize that the mother’s tears are part of the solution for her processing grief. Sharing grief together can be a form of support and consolation.5 Even though it may not seem productive to the father, it truly is.

PHYISICAL AND EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Frequently people think the crisis of the death of a child makes a couple closer. Actually the opposite is more likely to happen. Both are so weary with grief, drained emotionally and physically, that they are unable to lean on each other. The tension can build as the woman may feel her increased need for being held and cuddled is not being met and the man may feel like she has physically withdrawn from him by being unapproachable in terms of physical intimacy. Since she is so unpredictable emotionally, he gives her distance and space. This nonverbal communication can be misinterpreted as not caring about each other and can lead to growing apart.

The painful association between sex and conception is very real for many, following the death of a baby, leading them to abstain from sexual intimacy. However, within the same relationship, the other person may perceive this as a lack of desire and affection towards him or her.3 This can be very painful for that person. One grieving mother put it this way, “I don’t want to be intimate with my husband because the last place my baby was living was in my womb. I don’t want that sacred place violated.� Where as intercourse, to most men, is often a very real way of expressing their feelings.4 Denying his way of communicating his emotions may stifle him in processing grief and expressing love to his wife.

Grief researchers suggest, “Men may also feel ‘less of a man’ because of their inability to fulfill the role of husband (i.e., protector), leading to their feeling less adequate sexually, too.� 6 This conflict in desires is clearly explained by Carol Blackman when she wrote:

Everyone needs love but men and women interpret love differently. Generally speaking, men feel loved when they know they are respected and their sexual needs are met. Women feel loved through tenderness and understanding. Tragedy causes a woman to need extra outward expressions of understanding and tenderness from her husband, along with feeling his "protective care." Touching, holding, and cuddling are important even though she may have little desire for sex. Fear of repeating the same excruciating pain of loss often makes a woman want to refrain from sex while in grief. Many women feel sex is wrong when their precious child has just died, whereas sex reassures men that they are loved, needed, and that their wife really cares about them. Men usually relate first sexually, then verbally. Sexual intimacy nurtures the husband's emotional needs. Both parents are very insecure, fragile and vulnerable after loss. Meeting your partner's need for love will bind you more closely together. Knowing someone loves you is a needed security blanket at such a time. It is a MUST that you reach out to each other to keep your marriage from falling shipwreck in the turbulence of loss. 7
You may be scared about what's happening to each other and to your relationship. Being open about your sexual intimacy requires more communication, acceptance and lots of reassurance. Be sensitive to each other's emotional needs and gently express your own needs and perspective during this difficult time. Talk, listen, and hold each other. Communicate affection and intimacy without the pressure of intercourse.3 Keep courting or dating. Reminisce about falling in love and appreciate the things you like in each other. Go for walks together, do things together that you both enjoy. Touch and hold each other. Receive your first intimate sexual sharing after the death as a warm, gentle caring that brings you close, affirms your tears and consoles your sadness. 2 Give each other room to grieve his or her own way. Honor each other’s expression of grief, for it is sacred.

Strong & Tender ( Chapter : "Being a man in today's Culture"), by Pat Schwiebert. Copyright 2003 Perinatal Loss / Grief Watch. Web page - http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/strong_tender.htm
Fathers Grieve Too, by Rev. Terry Morgan, Chaplain James Cunningham, Dr. Ray Goldstein and Earl Katz http://members.tripod.com/~Tamy/father.html
Sex and Intimacy After a Perinatal Loss Adapted from: Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. - Deborah Davis Mending Broken Hearts http://www.mendingbrokenhearts.org/intimacy.htm
Where Does A Father Find Support? by Clara Hinton , Mar 18, 2002, Copyright 2002 Silent Grief http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/index.cgi?view_records=1&Category=For+Fathers&ID=65
Dad's Corner - Another Perspective - cited from SANDS http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Woods/4671/Dads_Corner.html
Lang and Gottlieb (1993) Copyright 1996-98, Kathleen R. Gilbert, Ph.D. http://www.missfoundation.org/cherish/gender.html
Marriage Survival Article by Carol Ruth Blackman [Revised from November 1991 Bereaved Parents Share...II] http://hometown.aol.com/BrvdMomShr/MarriageSurvivalArticle.html

by Sherry Sharon
(Reprinted by Permission of Sherry Sharon © 2000 from Compassion Connection Web Site)
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When we lose something very precious to us it can be painful beyond words. In fact, it can be agony. There is no vaccination against loss. We cannot build up an immunity to it. It is like a deep wound. It takes time to heal. If you do not allow time for a physical wound to heal, it can become infected. The same is true of a grief wound. It is normal to wonder if you could ever heal from a grief wound. In the process you may even wonder if you are "losing it." Good news there are normal, healthy responses to grief that can aid the body's natural healing process. We will list the appropriate (natural) responses to grief and the inappropriate responses to grief. We will show you how you can survive a crisis of loss. It is normal to experience the peaks and the valleys. You may experience a peak (good day) and then without warning you hear a song, pass a place that had special meaning to you and the deceased, and it seems like you plummet to the valley below. Holidays, anniversaries, seasons of the year, fragrances can trigger emotions. It is good to set time aside for weeping (shedding tears from an overwhelming emotion). It is good to set time aside for mourning (a period of time during which a death is mourned.) "To everything there is a season, a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die...a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." (Ecclesiastes 3) You may experience some of the following reactions to grief. They are to be expected. If you defer them, it may prolong the grief process.

APPROPRIATE (NATURAL) RESPONSE TO GRIEF

Anger | Appetite changes | Confusion | Denial | Depression | Disorganization | Disorientation | Emotional pain | Empty feeling |Error prone | Fatigue | Fear | Feelings of panic | Feelings of rejection | Feeling overwhelmed | Forgetfulness | Guilt | Heartache | Hurt | Inability to concentrate | Irritability | Loneliness | Loss of identity | Loss of motivation | Mental pain | Numbness | Peaks & valleys | Physical pain | Relief | Shock | Sleep disruptions | Stress | Tears | Thinking you see or hear the person who died | Weeping | Weight gain | Weight loss |

INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO GRIEF

Some of the reactions listed as appropriate can become inappropriate. The difference is in the degree, intensity, duration and frequency of these responses.

Prolonged depression that immobilizes you for weeks at a time
Anger that is out of control
Repressed feelings
Substance abuse
Thoughts of self-destruction
Failure to take care of your basic needs
Isolation - withdrawal from other people
Not wanting to get out of bed
Despair - "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12)
HOW CAN I SURVIVE THIS CRISIS?

Talk about your loss
Use the your baby's name. Let others know it will make you feel better if they do likewise. Encourage others to share with you of what your baby meant to them.

Record your thoughts in a journal
Record your thoughts, special memories, the things you wish you had said and done, what you miss about your baby. Record your feelings: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Record the special things someone has done for you that meant a lot to you during this difficult time. You can make a memento box of pictures and sympathy cards received, and special poems.

Get plenty of rest
Pace yourself. Get plenty of rest, good nutrition and exercise. Take a walk. Eat something even if you do not feel like it. Take vitamins.

Consider a living memorial
Plant a tree, shrub, rosebush or a rose garden in memory of your baby. Make a donation to a worthy cause in memory of the your baby.

Avoid making major decisions immediately following a loss
Beware of scam artists that prey on those going through crisis. Before making major financial decisions talk to someone: your pastor, your banker, an investment counselor, etc. Before you sell your home consider renting it out for a period of time. Before quitting a job think about taking a temporary leave of absence. Before moving in with family go for an extended visit with the family. Before changing geographical location vacation there for a period of time to see if you can adjust to the climate changes, etc.

Don't worry about tomorrow
Get through the day an hour at a time. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself: Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (Matthew 6:34)

Give yourself some tender loving care
Pamper yourself. Take a warm bubble bath. Read a good book. There will probably come a time when you may want to get a new hairdo, or a new outfit. Go for it.

Find someone who has been through the experience
Join a grief support group like Glory Babies. Those that have told you they have been though something similar call them to talk, or even to spend silent time with. They probably understand that you don't always have to say something

Take time to mourn
Turn your mourning into creative energy or using it for good. For example, if you sew, make a memory quilt.

Reach out to others
Stay active. Become a volunteer in a support group that has helped you, and reach out to those who are freshly walking though what you have just walked through. Volunteer at a hospital, or through the state to help foster kids, or at a senior center or nursing home, or at the Salvation Army or soup kitchen. Read books for the blind. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.

Take a trip you have always wanted to take
If you are financially able, join a tour group or remodel a room in your home. Work on a project that you have been putting off.

Allow the Comforter to come

Isaiah 61:1-3 - "He sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn... and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair..."

II Corinthians 1:3,4 - "praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Isaiah 49:13 - "Shout for joy, O heavens, rejoice O earth, burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."

Psalm 56:8 - "Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?"

Isaiah 53:4,5 tells us that Jesus is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief... that "he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..." The Hebrew word for the word "sorrows" here is used of both mental and physical pain.

Psalm 30:5 - "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

If you have experienced a loss, allow me to pray for you at this time. "Dear Lord, I thank you for sending the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to those reading these words. Lord, I thank you that according to Psalm 38:18, you are "...close to the brokenhearted and (you) save those who are crushed in spirit. Lord, I thank you that when we "...lift up our eyes unto the hills, from where our help comes from. Our help comes from the Lord..." (Psalm 121:1,2) I thank you Lord that you "...heal the broken in heart and bind up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) Lord, I thank you that when we "...walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." you are there. Your "...rod and your staff comfort us." (Psalm 23:4) Thank you Lord for bringing comfort and healing to the broken in heart and the crushed in spirit reading these words at this moment. In Jesus Name. Amen."

If you do not have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, and would like to, pray the following prayer from your heart:
"Lord Jesus, heal my broken heart. I need a personal relationship with you. Come into my heart and life. I ask you to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Teach me Thy ways, O Lord. Show me where to fellowship with other believers. In Jesus Name. Amen"

If this message has been a blessing to you, email Sherry info@compassionconnection.org

By Karen Kieth
There are gifts given that hearts have secretly, consciously longed for. Others are delivered after months, even years, of outward yearning. But the most special gifts are those that we never even knew we wanted until we got them. I never knew until you came into my life how desperately I wanted you. I know you were sent here for a reason. God is an artist, and His mosaic is the universe. I am but one tiny tile in that great mosaic. I cannot see the larger image we all create together. I know you are there too. I know, in that glorious work of art, that we are still together.

But my arms ache for you. My whole being craves the slight weight of you in my arms, the feel of you sleeping on my shoulder, and the warmth of you on my chest. I miss your sweet baby smell, your dimpled chin, and your crooked smile. I would give my last breath just to hear your cry again, to see your eyes open and wondering, or to hear you sigh in contentment.

I wish I had held you more. I wish I had spent more time with you instead of trying to get you to sleep. I wish I could have watched you grow up. I wish I had more than three months of memories of you. But I am eternally grateful for those three months. And I am glad I held you the times that I did. But it wasn’t enough. Three months wasn’t enough time with you. I was so proud of you, of my beautiful baby boy. I still am. You will always be my beautiful baby boy. I will always love you, and I will always remember you.

I am so sorry that I took for granted our time together. I never thought it would be so brief. I thought we had a long lifetime ahead and, unknowingly, I frivolously squandered the short life you were granted by God. I have so many regrets, so many things I would do differently, and so many if-onlys.

I wish my tears could buy back your life. I wish God would send you back to me again. But He won’t. God lent you to me for a little while, but now He needs you back.

I miss you, Sam.

Love, Mom

Dear Mommy,

Happy Mother’s Day Mommy. Sorry we can’t be together for your special day, but we are having a celebration here in Heaven in honor of you. Here in Heaven there are no tears, no dying, no pain, and no sorrow. We are having quite a party. Many of my friends have mommies on earth too that they can’t be with either.

I remember the special time I had living so nice and cozy in your tummy just under your heart. I heard your heart beat of love for me, and it comforted me. I heard you sing sweet songs to me and talk gently to me. You were music to my ears. I have felt your love for me since the moment I was conceived to even now, I still feel your love. I will never forget you, just like you will never forget me. My love for you each day grows.

What a special mommy I have that you let me come straight to Heaven to live in this awesome place that words are not able to describe. To be surrounded by beauty, light, wholeness, true satisfaction, life, and love is incredible. The only person capable of meeting ALL my needs is the one caring for me---Jesus. Jesus loves me so much, He loves you too Mommy. He hurts with you when you hurt and understands your pain. He has suffered too and can understand, and He desires for you to pour out your pain at His feet. He can handle it, and heal your heart.

I am so happy here Mommy, I can hardly wait for us to be together again. Just like living in the womb seems so small compared to living in the world. Living in the world is a womb compared to living in Heaven. Heaven is really living to its fullness. Thank you for loving me so much to let me come straight to here, such a sacrifice you made in letting me go. If you receive Jesus, when it is time for you to pass through the death’s door, I will see you again and we will be together in Heaven for eternity, and we will have a party here face to face. But for now, know that I love you and that you are my Mommy. Even though we can’t be together on your special day, you are a special mommy, so celebrate, because I am.

Love,
Your Child